:: Venting Insanity ::

:: Friday, April 23, 2004 ::

oi...
Give me GMAIL

Can we say, "annoying"?

I call it, "Dumb & Dumber".

snapple "real fact" #188
Antarctica is the driest, coldest, windiest, and highest continent on earth.

O.O
I WANT GMAIL

Weird...

And that's all I'm gonna say on it.

speaking of gmail
I signed up for an account... Figured I could be a cool beta tester again like I did with the Blogger change over. I'll be keeping a running commentary on what I think of it at Venting Insanity Beta... since I feel bad that I haven't been using that blog for anything since the testing stopped.

^^;;

and, yes, i know...
...I sort of forgot to update my links, quizzes, and archives pages when I made the layout change. I will do that shortly... when I feel like doing it. Most likely, the archives page will change first... since that's the easiest... the others will take a bit more effort and probably won't get done as quickly because of that.

So there. XP; I'll do it when I'm darn good and ready. ^^;;

snapple "real fact" #20
Broccoli is the only vegetable that is a flower.

:: Wednesday, April 21, 2004 ::

new freedom of expression
Iraqi's Find New Freedom to Blog

Internet cafes are popping up all over Baghdad, it seems. And the Iraqis love to blog...

Good for them! ^_^

snapple "real fact" #123
Beavers were once the size of bears.

:: Tuesday, April 20, 2004 ::

fmeh
I'm feeling a bit better I guess. Still blah... but less argh. Of course, the constant stream of negativity from people around me is making me nuts. People at school, people online... too much negative energy and it finally blew up the other night. There's just one problem. IT HASN'T STOPPED!!!

update
I haven't posted in a while about other things. I guess I've just been mega stressed over stuff. John S and I hung out again the other night. We watched The Animatrix on DVD and then played around with some stuff on my computer. I've been going Spyware crazy. Someone installed a pop-up program on my computer somewhere and I can't find it.

I also hung out with Estelle recently. That was cool. I hadn't seen her in a while and her number had been disconnected last time I called. Turned out to be a temporary thing and we got together last Saturday.

i'm doing what?
And I officially filled out and handed in the paperwork to run for SGA... President. I think I vented that previously... but I'm a bit nervous. Especially now that I'm noticing a lot of people from Longwood around. I wasn't exactly Miss Popular in high school, if you know what I mean. The idea of what might happen now is a bit scary. I don't know what to do now...

Should I stay involved with it? On top of that, I'm nervous about the people that are running with/against me. If they get involved, there might be serious conflicts, and I've had enough of this negativity crap that's going around.

sigh
I'm confused...

snapple "real fact" #176.
The first bike was called a hobbyhorse.

I think I had that recently...

:: Monday, April 19, 2004 ::

song of the moment
Oh these little rejections how they add up quickly
One small sideways look and i feel so ungood
Somewhere along the way i think i gave you the power to make
Me feel the way i thought only my father could

Oh these little rejections how they seem so real to me
One forgotten birthday i'm all but cooked
How these little abandonments seem to sting so easily
I'm 13 again am i 13 for good?

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind

Oh these little protections how they fail to serve me
One forgotten phone call and i'm deflated
Oh these little defenses how they fail to comfort me
Your hand pulling away and i'm devastated

When will you stop leaving baby?
When will i stop deserting baby?
When will i start staying with myself?

Oh these little projections how they keep springing from me
I jump my ship as i take it personally
Oh these little rejections how they disappear quickly
The moment i decide not to abandon me

~"So Unsexy", Alanis Morrissette, Under Rug Swept

hate me, hate me
Please, just hate me. I hate me. You all should hate me, too. I'm depressing, self-pitying, and apathetic. I can't make any fucking decisions. I don't care anymore. I'm just annoyed at everything. One wrong word and I feel like I need to explode. I want to run circles around my living room. I want jump out the window... I don't know.

I

I

I

I

I'm at a loss for words.

I want to express it... but I can't get it out. There's something there and it's making me crazy. I wish I knew what it was. I need to say it or type it or write it... but I don't know how or what. I want to smack anyone that talks to me, touches me, comes to close to me, looks at me... anyone that might be thinking about me.

She's there. I don't know why I just thought about her. But, she's there. Everyday.

Okay, not everyday. But almost. She stares at me. I know she knows me. So does the other one. They both realize who I am, but neither of them has said anything. I haven't either.

Should I?

Should I say something to her?

Why the hell did I let them talk me into running? And now this other girl wants to run... one of the two most negative and irritating type A's I've ever met. If I have to hear one more negative comment...

Too much negative energy around me. I can't stand it. Maybe that's it...

Maybe it's PMS.

Who knows?

Who really gives a flying fuck?

{{insert unintelligible scream here}}

I don't know what to do...

Briarcliffe's not a savehaven anymore.

I don't know why it popped into my head... but all these people from high school are showing up there... and I feel like I'm beginning to revert. I don't want to go back to high school.

I hated who I was in high school.

I was making progress... I was feeling good about things... now all these people... I see them all the time... {{points at the wall}} See that speck of paint? You know... the one that blends in with the rest of the wall? That was me.

I hid.

I hid from everyone.

I still do sometimes... but now it's behind a proverbial mask instead of blending in with my surroundings hoping not to be picked out... or picked on, for that matter

I finally crashed... hard. It hit me bad when Paul and I broke up for good. It became a struggle just to get out of bed for the day. I stopped going to school, stopped hanging out with people... I spent a few years on what felt like a roller coaster of high points (Nortel) and low points (various stints of unemployment and working at EES) until I started at Briarcliffe. I was doing well there. Even got up the nerve to run for student government... which I find myself suddenly regretting as I'm realizing who else is around the school.

And now I feel like an ass.

A total fucking ass.

I'm actually a cool person at Briarcliffe. People like me. Not like when I was in high school.

People liked me in high school... but it never felt genuine. I don't even talk to half of them anymore.

Now... a bunch of them resurfaced at Briarcliffe... and only one of them I like. Plus... I'm getting sick and tired of the fucking negativity. If I have to hear any more complaining from certain people around there about some things, I'm gonna shit a brick. Nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag.

AHAHAHAAAA.... {{sobbing}}

I can't take this crap. I just can't.

snapple "real fact" #45
Elephants are capable of swimming 20 miles a day.