:: Venting Insanity ::

:: Monday, April 19, 2004 ::

hate me, hate me
Please, just hate me. I hate me. You all should hate me, too. I'm depressing, self-pitying, and apathetic. I can't make any fucking decisions. I don't care anymore. I'm just annoyed at everything. One wrong word and I feel like I need to explode. I want to run circles around my living room. I want jump out the window... I don't know.

I

I

I

I

I'm at a loss for words.

I want to express it... but I can't get it out. There's something there and it's making me crazy. I wish I knew what it was. I need to say it or type it or write it... but I don't know how or what. I want to smack anyone that talks to me, touches me, comes to close to me, looks at me... anyone that might be thinking about me.

She's there. I don't know why I just thought about her. But, she's there. Everyday.

Okay, not everyday. But almost. She stares at me. I know she knows me. So does the other one. They both realize who I am, but neither of them has said anything. I haven't either.

Should I?

Should I say something to her?

Why the hell did I let them talk me into running? And now this other girl wants to run... one of the two most negative and irritating type A's I've ever met. If I have to hear one more negative comment...

Too much negative energy around me. I can't stand it. Maybe that's it...

Maybe it's PMS.

Who knows?

Who really gives a flying fuck?

{{insert unintelligible scream here}}

I don't know what to do...

Briarcliffe's not a savehaven anymore.

I don't know why it popped into my head... but all these people from high school are showing up there... and I feel like I'm beginning to revert. I don't want to go back to high school.

I hated who I was in high school.

I was making progress... I was feeling good about things... now all these people... I see them all the time... {{points at the wall}} See that speck of paint? You know... the one that blends in with the rest of the wall? That was me.

I hid.

I hid from everyone.

I still do sometimes... but now it's behind a proverbial mask instead of blending in with my surroundings hoping not to be picked out... or picked on, for that matter

I finally crashed... hard. It hit me bad when Paul and I broke up for good. It became a struggle just to get out of bed for the day. I stopped going to school, stopped hanging out with people... I spent a few years on what felt like a roller coaster of high points (Nortel) and low points (various stints of unemployment and working at EES) until I started at Briarcliffe. I was doing well there. Even got up the nerve to run for student government... which I find myself suddenly regretting as I'm realizing who else is around the school.

And now I feel like an ass.

A total fucking ass.

I'm actually a cool person at Briarcliffe. People like me. Not like when I was in high school.

People liked me in high school... but it never felt genuine. I don't even talk to half of them anymore.

Now... a bunch of them resurfaced at Briarcliffe... and only one of them I like. Plus... I'm getting sick and tired of the fucking negativity. If I have to hear any more complaining from certain people around there about some things, I'm gonna shit a brick. Nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag.

AHAHAHAAAA.... {{sobbing}}

I can't take this crap. I just can't.

snapple "real fact" #45
Elephants are capable of swimming 20 miles a day.