:: Venting Insanity ::

:: Saturday, June 28, 2003 ::

blah
Well, I did nothing again yesterday. I've been rather blah all week. It kind of sucks.

Today, Nana and Auntie Lyn came over. Dad had asked if I wanted to stop by the club since he was running sporting clays today, but those plans were rather dashed when they showed up. Mom wanted me to stay home and watch Two Weeks Notice again with Nana. I wasn't thrilled with sitting through a movie I had just seen the night before with her making weird noises on her dentures again. I don't know why she doesn't get them fitted right. But, she never complains to the actual doctor about anything that bothers her, just the rest of us.

Anyway, I managed to get out of it. Nana said she'd be fine watching TV by herself and that I could go with them. I almost just grabbed my keys and went out to the club, but I was intrigued by the store they were going to. It's called Sacred Places and sells all sorts of earth spirituality stuff. I picked up another dream book for my dream journal and I got a Tarot deck, along with a guide book. I'm really interested in trying it out. I also have a faerie oracle deck that I've been playing with lately.

self-exploration
Basically, since I took that weird class, I've been on my own 'journey' of self-exploration. I'm really trying to get in touch with who I am again. I think that things have been too fake for too long. I'm so used to hiding my feelings and avoiding them that I'm beginning to wonder if I even have any feelings left. My life has been a series of numb patches where I just don't feel anything. I can't fully enjoy being intimate with someone. I feel disconnected inside. Physical sensations just don't cut it anymore.

When people tell you to act happy so that you'll feel happy, it works. I've fooled myself into thinking I'm in a good mood, just by acting like I'm in a good mood around my friends. But, it just isn't real, and I'm tired of pretending. The only problem is I hate being a depressing person. I don't want to drag the people around me into my little hole. I don't want to be a whiner, a complainer, a constant downer. I cover it up because I don't like to talk about it. I get annoyed when people ask too many questions, or try to force me into talking.

If I want to talk about it, I will. I don't mind when they ask once in a while. It feels good that people are concerned about me. But, if I said, "Nothing", "Nevermind", or "Don't worry about it", don't ask me again for at least an hour or so. Asking me fifteen minutes later will only get me more annoyed and more distant from you.

I had this problem with my last boyfriend. He wanted someone who would do that. He wanted someone who would constantly pressure him into talking. I'm not like that. I hate when people do that to me, so the last thing I'm going to do is act like that with someone else. He did it to me constantly and then wondered why I never opened up to him. At the time we broke up, I wasn't really sure how to explain it. I wasn't really sure why I acted the way I did. I just knew I did.

Even now, I'm not so sure as to the reasons behind some of the things I do. My parents always said that I shouldn't do something if there's no reason. Whenever I did something they didn't agree with, they would ask why. I would say I didn't know. "I don't know" and "No reason" are two different things. My parents assumed that "I don't know" meant there was no reason for what I did. There was a reason, I just didn't know at the time what it was. I don't always understand the way my mind works. Overly rational people don't understand how that can be. They don't understand that there isn't always a clear and consise feeling or thought going on in your head.

Someone once asked me what I think about. I just said, "Nothing", but it wasn't really what I meant. I know I think about things, but they're not always in the forefront. They're not always clear and consise strings of thought that I can follow like a map of my brain. They drift, like grains of sand on a windswept beach. You can't pick an individual grain without looking really close. And if I'm just sitting there and randomly thinking, it looks like a solid beach of thoughts, not individual grains of separate subjects and feelings. I can't always tell you what I'm thinking about, especially if someone just asks me out of the blue. As soon as I reach for a grain, they all slip away through my fingers.

snapple "real fact" number 206
Over one million earths can fit inside the sun.

book review
I finished my Harry Potter book. It's very angsty. I just loaned it to my grandmother, as Mom finished it yesterday. I ended up reading it while she was reading it by using two different bookmarks.

Anyway, Harry's been kept in the dark all summer after the rather traumatic experience he had at the end of the TriWizard Tournament last year. Now, he's had the sneaking suspicion that people are following him. He's gotten cryptic letters from his friends and Sirius, no one will tell him anything, and he's heard nothing from Dumbledore.

Lo and behold, things go wrong once again and Harry is whisked off from 4 Privet Drive in a whirlwind of chaos and confusion. On top of that, he later finds out that Ron and Hermione both made prefect, Percy is no longer speaking to his family, most of the wizarding community has been lead to believe he's a nutcase and a liar, and his troubling dreams and nightmares are actually things going on in Voldemort's head. With a new DADA teacher who's overbearing and trying to change the school, Harry begins to wonder just how much worse things can get.

As it turns out, they can get much worse.

The book is full of emotional twists and turns everywhere as Harry seems to be battling with varying degrees of confusion, frustration, anger, and depression while still trying to be a teenager. Luckily, there are enough funny parts not to make the book *too* dark, but the overall tone of the book is danger the wizarding community is now in after the end of the fourth book.

And, yes, someone important dies. I will not say who on this blog, for I don't want to spoil it for anyone who hasn't read it.

It's definitely a good read, and I thorougly enjoyed it, as I have with the other four books. I've really gotten caught, hook, line, and sinker, by J. K. Rowling's world of Harry Potter.

movie review
I finally saw Two Weeks Notice last night with Sandra Bullock and Hugh Grant. It was very cute.

George (Grant) is a millionaire builder like Donald Trump. He lives at his own hotel, The Grant, in New York City. His company (that his brother actually owns, while George is just the public front man) goes around developing new buildings, tearing down old ones, and basically just doing what they please. Lucy (Bullock) is a lawyer/protestor who goes out and protests Wade's building practices and tries to save old landmark buildings. In a chance meeting where Lucy manages to catch George outside his main office (at the particular moment he's looking for a new lawyer), Lucy gets roped into actually working for him.

George becomes completely dependant on her about any decision, even what clothes to wear to a benefit dinner or tennis match. After paging Lucy for an "emergency" about his outfit while she was at her friend's wedding, Lucy informs George that he can consider it her two weeks notice. Well, George, while slightly perturbed by this, insists that she stay on until the end of a particular project, then she can leave.

It's a very funny movie about a couple that, while they're total opposites, manages to fall in love without realizing it. I enjoyed it very much.

:: Friday, June 27, 2003 ::

Rowan
Sensitivity

Full of charm
cheerful
gifted
without egoism
likes to draw attention
loves life
motion
unrest and even complications
is both dependent and independent
good taste
artistic
passionate
emotional
good company
does not forgive.

Get Your Tree Type!

new blogger
Well, we've been upgraded. I posted on my testing blog yesterday because I was bored and couldn't post here.

yadda yadda yadda
Anyway, I did nothing at all today. I feel so crappy, it's not even funny. I'm so not motivated to do a damn thing and I don't care. Screw the world! Yeah... So, that's how I feel. Bye.

:: Tuesday, June 24, 2003 ::

new quizzes
Now I have some serious catching up to do on my quiz page. O.O;;

The Windy!


What Clow Card are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

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You're CRONO!!! You just want to have lots of
friends and make sure they're all happy. You're
probobly a very nice person, aren't you?


Which Chrono Trigger Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

He looks like someone out of Dragonball Z...

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Eagle Vision: Brave, determined and a real enigma!
Who knows JUST what's going on inside your
head! People sometimes call you stuborn, but
really you're just passionate for your cause!
Go you!


Which CLAMP uke are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I picked mecha... does that mean anything?

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Kinomoto Touya: Probably one of the most normal
CLAMP seme-types (except for the ability to see
ghosts...^_^;) You're a pretty nice guy to hang
with, dispite having a tendancy to tease the
ones you love... But hey, you're bigger than
them ^_^


Which dark haired CLAMP seme are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

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Pixie
You are a pixie! You are a positive and helpful
person and you'd do anything to see someone you
care about happy. You have an innocent side to
you, but underneath the exterior are hidden
depths.


Which Supernatural Being are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Darn those hidden depths...

:: Monday, June 23, 2003 ::

mini-golf!
Estelle stopped by with the baby today. Mom and Dad got to play with him a bit. He was just as fascinated with my dad this time around as he was last time. I think it's the full beard and moustache. It seems to freak kids out a bit sometimes. Dad has dark hair, so maybe when it greys out a bit more it won't be so scary for little kids... Then, he can play Santa or something...

Anyway, I went back with her, and we got dinner. We had planned on taking the baby to Chuck E. Cheese, but it got late, so she put him to bed. Johnny said we should go out, so we made a quick decision and headed over to Castle Golf. YAY! It's been ages since I've played mini-golf. We decided that, since we're starting to get back to being a group again, we should get together and all go play as a group again. It'll be nice to do.

doctor...
I took Nana to the pulminologist today. We grabbed lunch beforehand, and then headed over for her appointment. I was surprised at how fast we were in and out of there. It was really good.

While I was sitting there, two women walked in that I swore looked like they had just walked off the set of that sitcom, The Nanny. It was like Fran Fine's mother, Sylvia, and her grandmother, Yeta, had just walked into the waiting room. The heavy make-up, the big hair, the sizes of the two women, the ages... it was perfect. I nearly fell off my chair and died trying to hold in the laughter. Instead, I sat there with my eyes closed and pretended to be bored and sleeping while I waited for Nana to come out. It prevented me from having to look at them to try to hold back from laughing.

can't wait
Mom's about a fifth of the way through the book now. Hopefully, it won't be much longer before I can look at it myself.

You like to complain and get really angry when
someone gets something wrong. You don't have
much respect for authority, probably because
it's never treated you like you should have
been treated.


Which character from The Holy Grail are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

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Claude


Star Ocean EX
brought to you by Quizilla

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You are Snow White

Deceiving, sweet and
graceful. Your charms help you get whatever
want. And you love strangers with a passion.


You are the most 'evil' of the Disney
Princesses, and you probably get it from a
wicked family member.


Secrets Revealed: Which Twisted Girl of Disney Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

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You are a GEEK! "Luke, you need a
life...*breathe*" Star Trek, Star Wars,
anything science fiction is right up your
alley! Computers are cool. Video games are
cool. Movies are cool. Anything that dosen't
require a lot of thought or physical exertion.
You aren't stupid, but a few books about
something other than spaceships might do you
some good. Get out, meet people, expand your
horizons! There's a real world waiting out
there for you!


What Is Your Social Species?
brought to you by Quizilla

Geeeeek... {{giggles}}

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I am a...**thinks hard**...janitor.


Which cat that thinks it's human are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

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You're From Jupiter. This means that you are bound
to be very modivated to advance yourself
whether it be first in a race or gaining more
money, nothing stands in your way when you set
your mind to it.


What Planet are You From?
brought to you by Quizilla

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Which Element are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

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your umi! your magic is based on the water element.
you are tall and look like a model, you like to
fence and you are mostly snobby


(For girls only)What character from Magic Knights Rayearth are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Not exactly, but close, I guess... I did pick the water element stuff, but not fencing.

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More to come...

vet blues
We took the cats back to the vet today to get their claws trimmed. We also got Prudy a thing of Cosequin. The vet agreed it would probably help her the way it did Marbles. While she's not as bad, we want to prevent it from getting that bad. Cosequin is a preventative measure that you use at the early signs anyway.

doctor visit
I also have to pay a visit to Nana and take her over to the doctor today. Mom gave me money to take her to lunch with. I'm off in a few to make lunch time.

snapple "real fact" number 138
Hawaii is the only US state that grows coffee.

:: Sunday, June 22, 2003 ::

it has arrived
Well, I got my copy of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix yesterday. I haven't read it, yet. I don't want any spoilers!!!! I went out last night, and Mom took advantage of the situation and started reading the book on me. Now I have to wait until she's done.

hangin' out
So, I went over to Estelle's last night. Erin had stopped by, surprise of all surprises. She invited Michelle along as well. I'm pretty easy going as it is anyway. Unfortunately, a few years ago, we all went through what I'll call "growing pains". Several of us had hit stages in our lives where we were changing. Not all of us changed in the same direction. After quite a few miscommunications and some stubborn non-listening, the group sort of split.

I usually don't have it right out with people. I find it very hard to communicate sometimes with spoken words. It's difficult for me to express my feelings to others. That's why I started keeping this journal. I find it's a wonderful outlet for me to express my emotions and vent what I need to vent. It helps me organize my thoughts in a way that I never had before.

Anyway, one of the biggest disagreements came between Estelle and Erin. It wasn't the only one, but it was one of the major ones, I'd have to say. Estelle told me that Erin wrote her a letter a few days ago and dropped it off at Ita's. After reading it, she called Erin, they talked for a while, and, since Erin was in the area anyway at Wal~Mart, Estelle asked her over so they could talk in person. Estelle called me a bit later (we were going to hang out last night anyway) and asked if it was cool that Erin and Michelle came along.

Michelle and I have been friends probably the longest out of the group. While Erin and I were acquaintances starting in 5^th grade, Michelle and I were practically best friends right from when we met in 7^th. Michelle and I have known each other for more than half our lives. I was totally cool with that. I was a bit nervous about Erin because of things that have happened in the past and the way we had all grown and changed and matured. But, I'm willing to give almost anything a shot, and I knew that Estelle had been thinking about Erin lately anyway, so I was cool with it.

When I got there after chores were done, Michelle had beat me there. Johnny had gone out with his brothers to see The Hulk, and, since Cathy wasn't feeling well, we were deciding on what we could do where it wouldn't be a big thing to bring the baby along. We ended up just going to the mall, walking around, and talking.

It was great. It had been so long since the four of us had hung out together and just were able to enjoy each other's company and talk like that. I'm really glad I went. I ended up staying at Estelle's until after 3 am. Erin and I left around the same time, and talked for a bit longer outside. I didn't get home until a quarter after 4.

We've all come into different interests... Erin's getting her teaching degree, I'm going into computers, Estelle's a stay-at-home-mom, and Michelle's finishing up her business degree. The best part was that we all had something to talk about with each other and were able to relate something. We talked about the baby and our experiences with other kids. We talked about school and graduating and classes. We talked about movies. We talked about games. We talked about things going on in our lives. We talked about the plans for Erin's wedding coming up. I'm apparently the old maid... Estelle's married with the baby, Michelle's married, Erin's engaged... I'm still single. Not that I'm not working on it!!!

Heh... ^^;;

Anyway.

But, we had a really good time. I'm really glad it worked out. Even when Johnny came home after his movie night, things went well. That was another point of contention, another disagreement area, between them. Yet, they talked really well, and I got a good feeling while I was there.

I'm glad it worked out. I know we've all been feeling a bit out of the loop with each other. We were all such a big part of each other's lives for so long, it's hard not to miss each other, even with things ending the way they had last time. I'm really glad it happened.

i'm an adult? when'd that happen?
So, Deidre and I go to Bellmore's Installation Friday night. I brought my gown, just in case. It's a habit I can't seem to break. But, I did force myself to leave it in the car. I really didn't want to drag it upstairs into the building if I wasn't going to be needing it. I was never asked if I had a gown.

It's a bit upsetting to be asked by one of the girls on the Installing Team to go downstairs at the right time during the Installation and check on the food.

I'm an adult!!!! I can't believe it. I went completely in the role of Advisor this time. I felt... old...

I guess it's a good thing I wasn't useless. After all, Deidre needed a Suwassett Advisor to go with her so she could be there, *and* Ardith needed someone to check on the food she was heating up in the oven so it would be ready when the girls got downstairs, but not overcooked. I guess it wasn't too bad. {{sigh}}

snapple "real fact" number 171
The most sensitive parts of the body are the mouth and fingertips.