:: Venting Insanity ::

:: Saturday, March 08, 2003 ::

blah...
I feel nauseous. I've been feeling kind of sick since last night. I ended up not going out at all tonight. I called Cathy and cancelled, didn't bother going to Bellmore, and told John S I wasn't feeling up to it when he called earlier. I hope I don't feel like this tomorrow. Mom wants to leave by a quarter to one.

sleep
I ended up taking a nap about mid afternoon, after I washed the pots and pans. Last night's lack of sleep caught up to me. I hope I don't wake up again tonight. This sucks...

:: Friday, March 07, 2003 ::

dead connection
I've been having serious problems connecting to the 'net today...

lost thoughts
And I had something I wanted to say earlier, but I don't remember what it was...

news watch
Bush Ratchets Up Rhetoric Against Saddam

One of the many articles we will see on this for the next few days... This one seemed pretty fair and balanced when I read it.

spam must die
{{music from Jet Li movie plays}} "Romeo Must Die..."

Not really... just spam and the people that send it.

Someone's using my Juno address to send spam. They put it as the reply to address and are sending out spam through a version of Outlook Express. If you get anything for Certified Natural HGH Hormone Replacement Therapy that looks like it's from me, it's not.

The major problem with this is that the bounced mails are filling up *my* inbox. I have to weed through at least 10 of these mails a day. I've forwarded every single one to Juno's spam abuse service. I've also found the web address that this person is accepting orders at. I e-mailed them and their service provider's spam abuse service. I'm also going to send a letter to Certified Natural. I've also changed my password and disabled remote access, just in case they're remotely hacking my account. Now, I can only access the account from this computer, but that's okay. I rarely checked it on the go anyway.

I'm just tired of receiving these e-mails. Juno hasn't done anything, and I've been sending them these e-mails for months to show them that it's not me sending them out. They know it's not me, but it's frustrating the heck out of me that they're saying they've contacted people about it, yet I'm still getting these bounced mails for something I never sent.

On top of that, there's people that have my other e-mail address that all have viruses. I keep getting notifications through my Norton and through Optimum that people from various addresses (addresses I don't recognize, by the way...) are sending me viruses there. I don't know who got *that* address. I never use that one to sign up for stuff. I try to keep it restricted to friends and certain things so that I don't get the spam problem I'm now having with my Juno address.

That was one of the reasons I changed all my personal e-mails to the Optimum account.

I still check Juno (obviously, since I'm complaining about spam I didn't send out), and that's usually the address I put on my webpages and stuff... Anywhere someone selling something would go to find spam victims. I sign up for stuff using the Juno account just in case someone decides to get smart and sell it to someone else for a little extra cash. That e-mail is so inundated with spam, I don't care anymore. That's where I send all that kind of stuff. The stuff I really want, like friends' e-mails, those all go to Optimum.

argh...
And I only slept a few hours tonight. I haven't decided if I'm going to try going back to sleep, yet. I'm hungry, now, though. I hate this...

And my thumb feels like it swelled up, but I don't know why.

don't forget
Check out Dave Barry's blog. He's got some new interesting links up, including a link to the Center for the Cure of Sweaty Palms. How does he find this stuff?? O.O;;;

Utena


Which Utena girl are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I have no idea how I got that one... It would probably help to actually see Utena, right?

last one
I'm sure you're all cheering now...

1. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? depends on what time I was up until the night before and what I need to get done...
2. If YOU COULD EAT LUNCH WITH ONE FAMOUS PERSON WHO WOULD IT BE? Kiefer Sutherland
3. GOLD OR SILVER? either, but lately it's silver
4. WHAT WAS THE LAST FILM YOU SAW AT THE CINEMA? Shanghai Knights with Estelle and John S
5. FAVORITE TV SHOWS ? Twenty-four... sometimes I watch NYPD Blue, Friends, and JAG.
6. WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST? I don't normally have breakfast
7. WHAT WOULD YOU HATE TO BE LEFT IN A ROOM WITH? something majorly smelly
8. CAN YOU TOUCH YOUR NOSE WITH YOUR TONGUE? nope
9. WHAT'S YOUR MIDDLE NAME ? Lynne
10. BEACH, CITY, or COUNTRY ? any of them... country, city, beach... in that order
11. SUMMER OR WINTER OR FALL? Summer, late Spring, or early Fall
12. FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Breyer's vanilla bean or the soft vanilla from Lots-a-Licks down the street
13. BUTTERED, PLAIN, OR SALTED POPCORN? buttered
14. FAVORITE COLOR? lavendar, but anything soft and muted
15. FAVORITE CAR? ford something, I want to get a truck someday
16. FAVORITE SANDWICH FILLING? hm... roast beef, turkey, ham, balogna, or tuna salad
17. TRUE LOVE? might exist, but I haven't found it, yet
18. WHAT CHARACTERISTICS DO YOU DESPISE? disloyalty (is that a word?), immaturity
19. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE FLOWERS? multi-colored roses and tulips, sunflowers, daffodils, any kind of lily
20. IF YOU HAD A BIG WIN IN THE LOTTERY, HOW LONG WOULD YOU WAIT TO TELL PEOPLE? not long at all!
21. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHROOM? it's technically not mine and the full bath is yellow and white, the half is various shades of cream and soft blue with dark wood paneling.
22. HOW MANY KEYS ON YOUR KEY RING? I have no clue, everyone has a tendancy to give a spare for something or other...
23. WHERE WOULD YOU RETIRE TO ? haven't decided, yet
24. CAN YOU JUGGLE? nope
25. FAVORITE DAY(s) OF THE WEEK: Saturday or Wednesday
26. RED OR WHITE WINE ? neither, blush
27. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY? stayed home
28. DO YOU CARRY A DONOR CARD ? no
29. WHO DO YOU THINK WON'T RESPOND? a lot of people since I posted it here and didn't e-mail it
30. WHO IS THE PERSON YOU EXPECT TO SEND THIS BACK FIRST? no one, but others might post it on their blogs (most likely Angie, Dan, or Mandie)

another one
I think there's only one more after this...

THE WORLD OF: Jessi-Lynne
1. What time is it? me-time

2. Name as it appears on your birth certificate? Jessica Lynne Sullivan

3. Nickname? I have many... They're on the nav-column to your left...

4. Parents names: Nancy and Kevin

5. Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake: we didn't have any candles, but it would have been 26... if they did the whole put the right number and that one-for-good-luck thing

6. Date that you regularly blow them out: Oct. 4, if we celebrate that night

7. Pets: 3 cats, names are on nav-column to your left...

8. Hair color: right now... medium reddish brown. Mom's pressuring me to go blonde again.

9. Piercings: one in each ear, considering second set...

10. Eye color: blue

11. Hometown: Yaphank, NY

12. Current residence: same, I live with my parents

13. Favorite Food: um... something easy that I can make fast as I run out the door to class

14. Been to Antarctica? no, but my dad's cousin Paul goes 6 mos. out of every year

15. Been toilet papering? yup, Grand Assembly prank when you manage to get hold of a friend's room key

16. Loved somebody so much it made you cry? yes

17. Been in a car accident? yes, but I wasn't driving and it wasn't my dad's fault

18. Croutons or bacon bits? bacon bits all the way!

19. Sprite or 7up? Sprite

20. Favorite Movie? anything Mel Brooks or Monty Python, The Princess Bride, others are listed on nav-column to your left...

21. Favorite Holiday? hmm... It used to be Halloween (costumes!) or Christmas (to see my cousins), but I don't have a favorite at the moment.

22. Favorite day of the week? I would have to say Wednesday or Saturday

23. Favorite word or phrase: riiiiiiiiight

24. Favorite Restaurant: Murtha's Steakhouse in Oakdale

25. Favorite toothpaste: Mentadent, but I'll use whatever's available or on sale

26. Favorite flowers: two color roses and tulips, sunflowers, daffodils, any kind of lily

27. Favorite drink: alcoholic? Killian's Irish Red or a good white zinfandel... non, I would have to say Snapple Raspberry Iced Tea or Wild Cherry Pepsi

28. Favorite sport to watch: Football

29. Preferred type of ice cream: Breyer's vanilla or the vanilla from Lots-of-Licks down the street

30. Favorite Sesame Street Character: Big Bird and Snufflupogus.

31. Disney or Warner Bros? Disney

32. Favorite Fast Food : Checkers or Wendy's

33. When was your last hospital stay? I've never stayed over other then the first few days of my life, but I've been to the emergency room twice

34. What color is your bedroom carpet? yuck brown (original carpet put in by builders, we never changed it)

35. How many times did you fail your drivers test? 0

36. Who was the last person you got email from? myself... ^^;;; I sent out a message to a listserver and the listserver forwarded it back to me along with all the recipients/subscribers

37. Do you sing in the shower? sometimes, or I think of stories to write if I'm not in a hurry

38. Which single store would you choose to max out your credit card? I don't have a credit card, but I'd dump my whole checking account at Old Navy if I could

39. What do you do most often when you get bored? play on the computer or sleep, sometimes I clean if I haven't already

40. Name the person that you are friends with who lives the farthest away: Either Roy in Scotland or Dan in Hawaii... Nope, Karen in Australia... that's it.

41. Who will respond to this email the quickest: Well, considering I posted it here instead of sending it out.. no one, unless someone copies it and posts it on their blog, too. That would probably be Dan, Mandie, or Angie.

42. Who is the person you sent this email to that is least likely to respond: see above, but I doubt anyone without a blog is going to send me anything on this, so that would be a whole bunch of people.

43. Favorite TV show: Twenty-four!

44. Last person you went out to dinner with: a regular dinner? my parents

45. Ford or Chevy? Ford (more specifically, my Mercury Cougar)

46. Time when you finished this email? see time stamp for blog >P

survey says
And there are more to come...

1. LAST MOVIE YOU SAW IN A THEATER: Went with Estelle and John S to see Shanghai Knights
2. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Star Trek: Gateways, Book 7, "What Lies Beyond", if I can find the book again to finish it... I seemed to have lost it. ^^;;;
3. FAVORITE BOARD GAME? err... Haven't played any in a while, but I enjoyed the last one I played, which was Harry Potter.
4. FAVORITE MAGAZINE? dunno... I don't read many that aren't industry related
5. COMFORT FOOD(S)? tortilla chips and salsa, cereal (something sweet)
6. FAVORITE SOUND(S)? music I'm in the mood for
7. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? emotional numbness
8. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? Depends on my mood and how late I was up the night before
9. FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE? Checkers or Wendy's
10. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME? I haven't completely decided, but girl names could come from Kendra, Molly, or Anne... boy names from Connor, Jason, or Duncan, but I'm open to suggestions from the father (who I would think would be my future husband, whoever that may be)
11. WHAT IS MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE? Right now, I'm at a crossroads and I'm not really sure.
12. FINISH THE STATEMENT, "IF I HAD LOTS OF MONEY: I would pay off my bills, my parents bills, and other family bills, then, if I had some left over, I would consider investing for my future and traveling
13. DO YOU DRIVE FAST? heh... there's a dumb question {{hides her two speeding tickets}}
14. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? don't need one, I have a cat that insists on howling at my door until I let her in to sleep on my bed
15. STORMS - COOL OR SCARY? depends on the storm... really strong ones are scary, but sometimes they can be cool
16. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? 1985 Plymouth Reliant SE, black (faded), two doors, grey cloth interior, and it burned. But, hey, my grandmother gave it to me when she got a new car, so I'm not complaining. It was just really scary to be stuck on the side of the road while my car was spewing flames and black smoke. And it's not her fault it burned. Apparently, Chrystler K-cars had electrical problems that year.
17. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK? Killian's Irish Red or a nice white zinfandel
18. FINISH THE STATEMENT, "IF I HAD THE TIME": I'd travel
19. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI? yes... does that mean something? and only raw... with a ranch/vegitable dip/dressing... sometimes they get too squishy when you cook them wrong
20. IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR, WHAT WOULD YOU CHOOSE? I'm still working on that... I'm happy with my current color because it's easy to maintain, but my mom wants me to go back to blonde
21. GLASS - HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL- right now? Empty...
22. HOW MANY DIFFERENT CITIES/TOWNS HAVE YOU LIVED IN? 2, both on Long Island
23. FAVORITE PLACE TO RELAX? right now, the basement since it has my computer... but it's cold, so my room is another option, with music and a notebook/sketchpad
24. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Football & baseball
25. SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS. It wasn't sent, I found it on my friend's blog... but she's cool. We get along pretty well. ^_^;; (that's Angie, btw)
26. WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED? another bed, one of those hideaway ones that folds down
27. IF RABBITS' FEET ARE SO LUCKY, THEN WHAT HAPPENED TO THE RABBIT? it wasn't as lucky?

:: Thursday, March 06, 2003 ::

plows
Well, we got enough snow today for the plows to come out. I'm listening to the rumbling right now. I'm glad I didn't have class scheduled for tonight. If we had, it would have been for our final and that would have really bad.

iraq schmiraq
I really don't know how many more times we can give Iraq their "last chance to disarm". Personally, I'd rather not take the risk that this country isn't going to use those weapons against us.

Fort Hood was mobilizing, last I heard. That's where Brian's stationed. He's been trying to come home, but I haven't heard from him in a month or so now. I don't know if they sent him out on an exercise or suddenly shipped him out. He was hoping to be home by Christmas, and it's now March. All I can say is I wish him the best and let him know that my thoughts are with him while he's away from home. His brother was also called back from reserves and into active duty. Paul was as well, but for the Navy, not the Army. That's three people I know that have gone in, four if I count Angie's dad (Air Force), whom I haven't met.

I've been watching the news on the protests and other things going on. I can't believe how opinionated and close minded some people can be. While most of the news media seems to be standing behind the President now, showing that they agree with the things he said in his address earlier (8 pm Eastern, we watched it on Fox News), that noisy group of students that only seems to want to cut class, insists on bashing the military, the President, and their families. News 4 did a report yesterday about the protests that my mom and I watched. Tension is high, and there's a large number of people who were out there to show support for the war. I agree. All these people are marching for peace. Well, isn't that what we're fighting for? To prevent a possible and even more deadly war in the future? This one girl they interviewed said she felt that removing Saddam would bring us one step closer to world peace. I agree with her.

I feel that Iraq's current regime is a danger to the world. It has to be stopped from continuing the production of those weapons. I don't believe that Saddam will never use them. If he doesn't plan on using them, why is he building them? These aren't defensive weapons in case someone attacks him. These are missles capable of flying the distance over his borders to attack other nations. The weapons they're talking about on the news are meant to attack, not defend.

Personally, I think we need to have faith in the decision makers. They have a lot more information than we'll ever have access to, short of being government workers in high security positions ourselves some day. We need to believe that they're using that information to make decisions that are in our best interests. I don't know all the details. I don't know if I'm right. None of these people who are protesting the war have all the details either, so I doubt they're any more right than I am. But, there are people who do have all the details and they're the ones we have to put our trust in.

News 4 also spoke with several military officers about yesterday's mass protest. The soldiers have feelings, too, guys. They also know more things than we know. One soldier said that the people out there protesting were clueless. While he couldn't say why he felt that way (it was probably because he had classified information), he did say that he believed going to war was the only way to prevent something even more devastating down the line. Another soldier said he was angry and hurt that people were out protesting, but he was going to war to defend their right to protest and speak out.

News 4 also showed several clips of the students walking around with their banners and signs, yelling things. A good number of them were all laughing and waving at the cameras. Personally, I think a lot of those kids used it as a ploy to get out of class and on TV. Some teachers got wise to that and said they were going to take disciplinary action against students that walked out. Students complained. Well, if you really believed in what you were doing, you'd live with the disciplinary action and stand up for it, not stand there and whine to a news camera about it. They were hoping to get out of class scott free. The only ones complaining were the ones against the war, too.

Rush Limbaugh interviewed someone last week that said the "Human Shields" were leaving Iraq because the Iraqis were telling them where to stand. One person said he went over to protect innocent people and was going to stand in front of hospitals and schools, but left when he was told to stand in front of a fuel depot. Shows how grateful the Iraqis are for you guys shielding them, now, doesn't it? They'd rather have you guys stand in the dangerous areas while they go hide elsewhere.

A lot of people are comparing this to Vietnam, and I myself did in an earlier post. But, I'm starting to see a difference. Not in the protests, but in the reasons. We had no real reason to be in Vietnam, that was true. Even our own military didn't know what we were doing there at the time. This is different. After I saw the interviews with those soldiers, they believe in the reason they're going to Iraq. They believe it wholeheartedly and without any doubts. Yet, the protestors don't see it. When our military believes in what we're doing, and they're willing to go, then there's nothing I'm going to do to stop that.

just goes to show you...
...sleep fogged minds and toy blimps in the dark don't mix...

The Horror of Blimps

:: Wednesday, March 05, 2003 ::

whew!
She didn't take as many points as I thought. Turns out, Brigid was just "trying to make a point" by scaring us all into thinking we were going to lose like all 20 participation points. She still took 8 points from me. No one in the class thought I was that outspoken. I hope she took a lot more from Rob because he was a helluva lot more outspoken than I was, to the point of arguing with her completely and then just refusing to see her point. I'm just a bit ticked off that I got the same number of points taken off as Corey, who was the troublemaker sitting behind me. I like him and all, he's funny, but sometimes he just got so annoying.

Oh well... I still got an 'A' on my report card, so my GPA is safe. That was my main worry.

Now, I have two extra days on my weekend! I don't start next session until Tuesday! No homework to worry about, no studying. I just have tutoring on Monday with Evelyn.

hair today, gone tomorrow
Mom wants me to get my hair done. I do need it done, but I was waiting until I had the money so I could go. She called home from work today and made the appointment for me anyway. Then called back after she made the appointment to tell me what time on Saturday and that I'm not allowed to back out. {{shrugs}} Like I would have said no to my mother's face anyway. I wouldn't fight back as a teenager, just to get them to stop yelling and walk away.

social news
On the otherhand, I'm going to give Cathy a call tomorrow or send her an e-mail or something. I need to back out of going to Dave & Buster's on Friday. I went last week, I don't need to go again. As it was, the other students in the class practically dragged me to the Brickhouse tonight. I only stayed for a little while. I had one drink and someone gave me some mozzarella sticks, and then I left. I felt like crap again when I left. Not to mention, they were all staying later, and I walked back to my car by myself. The streets were like half busy, which is always that time I worry that the one other person walking on the sidewalk is the guy that's going to jump me or something. He would have only gotten five bucks off me, but, still. I don't wanna get hurt over a measely five bucks.

I don't wanna get hurt anyway, I don't have the insurance to cover it.

news from the job front
I did fill out the online application at IBM.com, as well as hit a few scholarships on FastWeb. There were only a couple that I could fill out online. The others had forms I had to print out and mail in. I do all that paperwork tomorrow morning and then head over to the post office to get it out ASAP.

I also checked out one of those websites Tina mentioned, but I couldn't find anything that applied to me. She couldn't remember the other site with all the telecommuting jobs for companies down south. I have to think of how to word that and then hit Yahoo, Vault, or Google to see if I can find it.

doo dah, doo dah
Waiting for class to start, eating dinner...

last day!
Well, today's the last day of the first 8 week session at school. Next Tuesday starts my new classes. I forgot to get an envelope with a stamp for Dr C to mail back my tests from math. I wanted them back to see what I got. I get my CDP and my class grade back tonight in my other class. I hope she didn't take off points. The school doesn't allow for 'plus' grades... like I can't get a B+ or an A+. So... if she gives me a lower grade, my cum GPA is screwed. I thought it would be so cool if I could pull off graduating with a 4.0. I know it sounds all geeky and overachieving, but, considering my past history with school, I want to make up for that. I'm doing this on my own. It was my own decision to go back, it's my name on those loans. The only thing I ever asked my parents for was help with books and bills this semester (out of four, because I took summer classes) and to co-sign one of the loans so I could get it approved. That was it. I've been going on this whole thing alone.

I did find some places on the web to help get scholarships and stuff like that. I think with my GPA I can get a good couple of scholarships. I need to research them out. I found a site called FastWeb that helps search various types of scholarships and stuff. You fill out a profile and they help match you with any scholarships you might be eligible for. Pretty cool, right?

:: Tuesday, March 04, 2003 ::

does numbness count as depression?
I spent most of today feeling rather numb. Even when my "Weird Al" album came on, I couldn't laugh with the lyrics. I usually crack up with "Weird Al" in the car. I sang along because I know the words. I went through the entire album and all I could do was chuckle slightly when he yelled "I hate sauerkraut!" at the end of his last song. I finally did start feeling something again while I was watching the scene on Twenty-four when Jack started saying goodbye to Kim because he thought he was going to have to die.

I think the only reason I don't cause myself pain like some people in that situation do is because I have chronic pain anyway. I know I have physical sensations... Sometimes, all emotion just disappears and I don't feel anything in that department.

how was your day?
Other than the complete numbness I walked around with today, I went to the store for Mom, got her prescriptions and picked up some stuff we needed around the house. I tutored for a bit right before the final that I had tonight in math, too. I think the final went well. Working on the problems he assigned us over the weekend helped. He didn't even change the numbers and letters, just pulled all 21 questions straight from the list he gave us. That was really cool.

I just hope the students I tutored picked up on that, too. They seem to have bad test anxiety.

make the grade
Brigid singled me out in class last night (along with a few others). She was talking about how people who 'talked out' would get lower grades. Frankly, everyone else in the class was 'talking out', and I was just there trying to participate in the stupid discussion half the time. She even said it was an open forum class. It was just like that night when I sat there and all that was going through my head was "Type A! Type A!" because everyone was yelling and arguing, and no one was listening... And I didn't say anything on that night! I just put my head in my hands and tried to block out the overwhelming noise. I seriously thought I was going to flip out that night. I almost got up and walked out.

Figures... Just goes to show how my life's been lately.

I'd better not lose points and get a lower grade in this class because of that. If this class kills my GPA, I'm gonna freak. I have never held a 4.0 for more than one semester before. I will be so ticked off if I get a lower grade in a dumb class like that for something that wasn't even my fault!

time to show some support for the other side
Well, the squeaky minority shoves their opinions and everything in everyone's face, so it's time us quiet majority types start sticking up for ourselves...

Thanks to Tom Adkins of The Common Conservative, an online magazine reporting about today's issues with a slightly refreshing conservative twist against our mostly liberal media, we have our...

Snappy Answers to Stupid Liberal Soundbytes

optimistically challenged
Is it so wrong to have high standards? Maybe I'm snobbish. Who knows? I've never been told that before. I don't know what to think anymore.

I haven't decided what I want to do about Friday. I told Cathy I would go because I didn't want to turn her down when she called. I hate saying no. I turned her down once before and felt like crap for doing it. I feel like crap about everything. Sometimes, I just feel like crap because I feel like crap.

Sometimes I want to just curl up in my room and wish the world away. Then I wouldn't have to worry about my sick grandparents and aunts, my lack of education, my lack of job, my lack of self-respect... Honestly, I do hate myself. People don't understand why, and I don't know how to tell them why. I wouldn't go out for months at a time because I felt like no one wanted me around, or, if they did, I couldn't get myself to believe it.

I don't know how to take a complement. Someone said I was pretty and intelligent. I immediately began to tell them all the things wrong with me... how I was bad in history classes, how I had a tendancy to break out with acne when I got stressed, how my hair is oily and high maintenance... I used to walk around and think that everytime I made eye contact with someone in a group and they went back to talking with their friends that they were discussing me in some negative way.

EVERY time.

Yes, I'm paranoid. I know it. Doesn't anyone realize how truly difficult that is to break? It's easy to make someone feel like crap. It's harder to get that person to honestly feel good about themselves.

And I think I just lost another friend to something where it comes down to me thinking they knew me better than they apparently do. I managed to save one friendship, but... I don't know if I should even try to save the other. It's hard to argue with someone who can be very stubborn when they think they're right. I've seen what happens when someone gets on this person's bad side. I don't know what to do.

Maybe I really am a horrible person. I don't even know why I do what I do sometimes. Some people say you unconsciously sabotage relationships when you don't think anyone truly likes you. Could that be it? Did I screw up on purpose because I was in one of my pity modes? Did I mess up because I was too busy sulking around and feeling sorry for myself?

Probably. There's always a way to make something my fault. My parents always managed to find a way to turn every conversation into something bad about me. So I didn't feel like going out... and we all know I can't say no to people... I don't make the call because I don't want to go out, but someone calls me and says, "Hey, come hang out." What do I do? I go hang out because I can't turn people down. Other people find out that I hung out but didn't call anyone else or finally had the guts to tell them no, and they get upset.

Yeah, really weak, huh? I'm just some petty little bitch that no one likes and takes advantage of people, right? You know, I hate myself enough already. Maybe I really will just lock myself up in my room and never come out. Maybe I'll just fall off the face of the earth and see who really cares this time. Hell, I've considered it before. I just never had the guts to go through with it. Maybe I should this time.

It would sure end all this misery...

At least I saved one friendship... I guess I can count that among my small blessings.

:: Monday, March 03, 2003 ::

this is not my week
I don't know what to say... I'm floored about how people feel lately. I can't help it that I'm busy during the week. I'm too tired lately to go out after a class. Weekends are my time to hang out, and only if I've done enough homework. I can't possibly go out without completing a certain amount. This session was rough on me. I'm stressed. Between the Career Development Porfolio (which I had put off because I wanted to hang out with people), doing the chapters out of that book, the presentation, the interview project I had to do, my mock interview, and then all the homework I had to do for math (which I had to do and be prepared ahead of time for those students because I coudn't do my homework at the same time I was tutoring them...), I'm exhausted. I really am. I am so looking forward to this weekend. No homework. I can finish my chores that I'm behind on, take some time to myself, and hang out with people.

As it is, I already got a call from Cathy about hanging out on Friday. Friday is Bellmore's meeting night, but I don't feel up to going in there.

out of time
Gotta run for class!

assault with a pillow?
I wonder if these people ever went to college and tried to join a fraternity or a sorority...

Man Pleads Guilty to Pillow Attack

Thank you to Quail for showing this to Dave Barry so I could find it on Dave's blog.

:: Sunday, March 02, 2003 ::

Balanced. You accept your emotions as normal and
are not overly happy nor depressed. You are
emotionally balanced and should find peace in
the way you deal with life situations. Your
emotions are normal and well understood. You
see the light in the dark.


How Emotional Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Hm.... But am I really? Maybe that's because my highs outweigh my lows...

-----


You habitually make disgustingly ugly LiveJournal
icons. No. No, don't try to deny it! We've all
seen them, and they are fucking ugly as sin,
and for this you have damned yourself to an
eternity of suffering. It is justice! After
all, you've probably blinded dozens of
people.

STOP THIS NOW AND REPENT!
Perhaps you will be saved.


Why Will You Go To Hell?
brought to you by Quizilla

Riiiiiiiiight... I don't make icons... but some of the other results fit me. {{shrugs}} Well, it is just an online quiz.

-----


Funny Asian Man


What's Your Personality Type?
brought to you by Quizilla

-----


You're Christina Ricci. Beautiful.


What sexy girl are you
brought to you by Quizilla

tutor time
No, not the kids' day care...

We got to the school. Lake Street was closed, so we went to South Street and "hijacked" an empty classroom. Rob and Keisha were there. My cellphone's a bit disconnected at the moment since Sprint didn't get my payment, yet, so no one could get in touch with me. Jennifer didn't come, but Mom said Keisha and Jen had called shortly after I left. ^^;;; Oh well... I hope they get my payment soon.

Overall, tutoring went well. It wasn't very long. I picked Rob up, since his truck's engine got blown out. We were there for 2 and a half hours. O.O;; But, I think we got a lot covered.

night out
Well, Dave & Buster's turned out to be like this other place near me called Jillian's. It's got video games, prizes, a big restaurant, pool tables, and a bar. It's just missing the bowling alley and the dance club.

We met like a whole bunch of other people there (I think we totalled out at 14 by the end of the night), and just had a good time. It's been a while since I've just gone out to a bar and hung out like that. We're always hitting a movie, or going to a friend's house, or something like that.

So, let me tell you about the interesting evening! We hung out at the bar for quite a long time before finally going and checking out the games. John S and I played Jurassic Park (got pretty far, too, before we finally died). Then, Cathy and Nick were at the hockey shooter game. Nick got like several hundred tickets from it. Then, John S and I played Star Wars for a while. That was cool. I got my money's worth out of that game, too. Then, John S hit the jackpot twice on this cyclone type of game and ended up with 1192 prize tickets!!! Then, the machine was spitting out scratch off games, so we scratched off a whole bunch and ended up winning another 100 prize tickets and 20 game points to play games with.

Well, of course, I had to tell Cathy and Nick and show the them the pile of tickets John S had, so I went to go get them. As I was standing near the prize redemption store (since Nick had tickets, I thought they might be there), a guy comes around the corner and says hi to me. I thought he knew me from somewhere, and I just didn't recognize him. So, I stood there for a few moments after saying hi back, waiting for a clue. He looked at me, his drink in hand, and I began to realize that he was just a tad drunk, apparently.

"You wanna buy something?" he asked. I told him no, that I was just looking for someone. He said, "Oh," and watched me. I got a little unnerved and headed off to find Cathy and Nick again.

I found them finally and brought them back to where John S was finishing up with folding all his darn tickets. We all had a good laugh, said goodnight, and they headed out while John S and I went to go see if there was anything he could get with his tickets. We didn't find anything major, but he did get me this cute stuffed monkey with velcro on his hands and feet so you can make the monkey hang on things. Then, we headed out, too.

On the way home, this girl gets on the LIE with us at Vet's Hwy. She's driving along, yacking away on her hands-free, when she suddenly has this urge to swerve in front of me. I, of course, got all ticked off because the roads are wet and she's spraying water all over my windshield. I flick on the wipers. We pass this truck in the middle lane, and she suddenly swerves back over into the middle lane. Now, I'm nervous for a moment, thinking there's something in the left lane that I might have to avoid, but it turns out she's just being dumb while talking on her cell phone.

We're driving along and she's keeping her car in pace with mine so that I'm now in her blind spot. So, I try to pass her. Now she's pacing me again, but only she's in *my* blind spot. So I slow down. This continues for several exits until we get closer to home. She's pretty much sticking right to my side the whole way, even when I try to change lanes. At some point, she clicks on her dome light while she's in front of me and starts dialing another number. While she's doing that, she's drifting into the other lanes... So, I slam on the gas and pass her. I looked down and realized I was doing like 95 mph (I nearly died), move over in front of her in the middle lane, and then into the right lane. I have to get off at the next exit anyway. Well... when I hit the middle lane, she jumps into the right lane, then swings back into the middle lane so she's right on my trunk, and then swerves over into the left lane. She goes flying past me (had to be doing over a 100 mph!!!), cuts across the middle lane as she's passing the two people that are now in front of me, flies up the lines (where you're not supposed to be driving) so she can get off at the same exit! So, I slow down to put space between us.

Meanwhile, she's still got her dome light on. She goes south on Wm Floyd (which is the same way I have to go to drop John S off), so I slow down even more. She gets stopped at the first light on Wm Floyd, but goes straight. Thank God! I was making the right! {{dies}}

Talk about stupid drivers!!!!

on another note...
The death toll for the Rhode Island dance club accident is now up to 98 people. Some of the people who were hospitalized are still not stabilized and are dying. No one's saying anything. The band said they got permission, the lawyer for the club owner said that no one told anyone that there were pyro technics at the show... No one's going to take blame for this one.

support our troops
Now I hear news of military-bashing? You know, it's really sad to think that people are like that. I'm not a huge war monger or anything, though some people may think that. I know enough people (friends and family) in the military to know that you DON'T BASH THE MILITARY! C'mon, folks, grow up. There are people in charge that know more than any of us do. How can you honestly feel your opinion is justified when you have to know that we don't have the full story??

I'm not saying I'm right. Not at all. But, what I am saying is that people should have more of an open mind. We're all so set in our ways, it's rediculous. Listen to what others are saying. I got a picture in an e-mail the other day that shows a group of people sitting on the sidewalk and watching a parade. A group was walking by with an American Flag and only one person was standing. It happened to be the older man in the wheelchair that was standing.

How touching is that? How illustrative of our current state of mind is that? How disrespectful does it show us to be of our own country, a country that gives us the right to freedom of speech and expression, the right to freedom of religion, the right not to be persecuted because of who we are? Especially when there are countries still in this world today that would kill a child because of something they said.

I don't know about you, but I think that's terribly sad...