:: Venting Insanity ::

i am joe almighty
No, not the movie. Dad has discovered the fun of SimCity 3000. He's built a city already. It's actually rather amusing to watch him fool around with it. There's no manual or anything, so he's been figuring it all out through trial and error.

quizzes? i don't need no stinkin' quizzes!
The test went well, I think. For me. I was done really fast, but I've always been a fast test taker. Of course, much to my embarassment, I heard a few annoyed sighs that I was done already when I stood up to hand the test in. That's one of the things I hate about being smart. I understand the stuff, but I'm always the one the rest of the class hates because I screw up the grading curve. -_-;;; I don't like that. I even sat there a few minutes before getting up to hand my paper in because I didn't want to leave so extremely early compared to everyone else in the class. {{sighs}}

and in this corner
I also got another student, so now I have three math students on Mon/Wed before class. This would give me about 4 hours at $6 and two hours at $5 per week until the end of the session. I know Evelyn wants to keep going through the entire semester with Physics, since that's a full sixteen week class (full semester instead of the half-semester session of eight weeks). The Math class is only eight weeks.

and what would you say your childhood was like?
Saturday's the interview with Professor Spratt. I have all the questions I want to ask and the order I want to ask them in. I'm going to then type it up after I get home. It won't take long to type, so I'll be done in plenty of time to hand it in on Monday. My problem is, do I tape the interview or do I take notes? I don't have a mini tape recorder to use, and I don't want to have to spend the money to get one. Especially considering I don't have the money to spend.

money, it's a gas
Ahhh... Good old Pink Floyd lyrics...

Well, I know I earned about $25 in tutoring this week before taxes. Unfortunately, I don't know if we get paid weekly or bi-weekly. I guess I'll find out next Friday if I get a pay check. ^_^;;; And I still have to call the woman about the computer class. I'll do that tomorrow. Maybe she'll see me on Saturday, and I can get in some extra time before the end of the week. I really hate not having money, especially now that my phone bill is due, and I had a negative balance in my checking account when I went to the bank earlier today... O.O;;;

:: Thursday, January 30, 2003 ::

food for thought
Added a section for quotes, but, since I'm too hungry to think of any right now, I'll put one up later. ^_^;;; {{glances sheepishly at her ":: author - Quote." placeholder}}

venting more than just insanity
Nana's doing okay. She's really worried about Auntie Lyn, naturally, but she seemed okay when I took her out. I think it helped to relax her a bit. She was telling me that she let herself go yesterday when no one was home, just let herself cry and yell to get out her frustrations and upsets. I totally understand the need to do that...

everything old is new again, retro becomes modern
As I was driving back to school (I came straight here to the library instead of going all the way home just to come right back here again), I saw a VW Beetle and a Thunderbird. It seems that not only clothes are making the cycles of style, but cars are, too. Compare and contrast... the new Beetle and the old Beetle, the new T-bird and the old T-bird, the new Jaguar and the old Jaguar, the new Mini Cooper and the old Mini Cooper. Now, the latest car to go retro is the Mustang. I saw a picture on the cover of one of those car magazines when I was in 7-11 the other day. I nearly died. It's gorgeous! I have two versions of a dream garage... one with all the different cars I like ('99 Expedition XLT, '57 Chevy Belair, '00 Mustang GT 4.0... ^_^;;;) and one where I have the original and the new 'retro re-release' of each of these cool redesigns. After seeing the cover of that magazine, I have a new pair to add to my second dream garage.

test anxiety? what's that?
Tonight's the test. Two of the other students in my class are up here in the library studying. Last night, while I was tutoring Evelyn and Kiesha, Tina had Jennifer and another guy from my math class (not the one who asked for tutoring last night during class). I think I'm going to do pretty well.

the big sell
Bob got more tutors. There's about six folders in our mailbox now. He says he wants to put up some flyers to make students throughout the school aware that we are available to them. He called me earlier today while I was at lunch and left a message that someone wanted tutoring for a computer class. *Now* I'm getting the good stuff.

c'mon, is it really that hard?
Actually, I had talked to Professor Spratt last night when I picked up my folder before seeing Evelyn. Apparently there's a woman in the Intro to Computers class that was under the impression that all the classes are one-on-one. Even Nana, one of the most computer illiterate people in the world, said that she probably wouldn't need extra tutoring for the type of class Intro to Computers is. I don't know what this woman is looking for, but I guess I'll find out.

family stress, but what's so important about me?
I happened to be awake when my mom left for work this morning. My aunt's in the hospital. Apparently, she's been bleeding internally for a while now and didn't know it. They think it's a bleeding ulcer, but, she felt so horrible yesterday, she thought she was going to die. She even saw my grandfather in her mind. That grandfather died back in early 1993. In her 'dream', I guess you could call it, he told her to go back, not to worry because everything would be fine, and to concentrate on me. My mom thinks that I saved my aunt, that just her love for me (my aunt looks at me almost like a daughter, especially since she can't have children of her own) caused my grandfather's spirit to send her back to us.

My aunt has been going through some serious issues lately. Partly because of some of the things going on with my grandmother (whether her complaints are real or not), partly because of job stress, partly because of lack of money, and partly because of her own poor health. It seems everyone in my family has some sort of health issue. Diabetes, pancreatitis, cancer, degenerative arthritis, something that will cause them much pain and trouble for a long time. My aunt has been no exception to this rule (hypoglycemic, degenerative arthritis through her entire skeleton, pancreatitis...). She, like me, takes everything to heart and lets it eat her from the inside. Honestly, with everything that's been going on, I'm not surprised she has ulcers.

why me?
So why did my grandfather tell her to come back and watch over me? Personally, with this blog, my sudden interest in analyzing my dreams, my desire to go back to school, and the job search, I think I've hit an odd moment of serious intellectual and spiritual development and assessment here. Was he telling her to watch me to find ways to help herself? Or was he telling her to watch over me because my current chosen path has some upcoming hardships?

What's odd was that I was reading the dream book my other aunt (other side of the family) had given me for Christmas when my mom told me what had happened. I've been noticing odd things lately about the dreams I remember, how I act around people, and high occurances of deja vu. Perhaps my sudden interest in "Soul Searching" is a sign of something else to come. Only time will tell...

what to do today
Of course, all this means that my timetable for the day has to be completely changed. I will not be attending the Nature's Bounty Interview sessions today as originally planned. Luckily, they only started doing them last week. Hopefully, (since the sessions only run on Mondays through Thursdays) they will still be having sessions next week that I can attend.

I will need to do the chores earlier than planned. In fact, I'm thinking of throwing the laundry in and cleaning the dishes up in the kitchen after I'm done typing here, then, taking a quick nap (considering I didn't sleep all that much last night) before finishing the laundry and heading to my grandmother's house. My mother doesn't want her to be alone today. Not with the upset of Auntie Lyn being in the hospital. So, I'm going over and taking her out to lunch to let her vent a bit and get her out of the house for a while so she doesn't end up sitting around and worrying herself sick. Then, Mom's coming over after work. I'm headed home then for class tonight. I'll probably bring some of my homework with me, since I had more I had to do today and I need to keep myself focused for tonight's math test if I want to do well. Mom's going to take Nana to the doctor (she had scheduled an appointment at 7) and then come home after that.

pessimism and tutors, step by step
Speaking of tests... Despite tutoring sessions going well, Kiesha still seems to have herself convinced she is going to fail. I saw some understanding during the last session with things that she was doing, but I'm not sure if she's actually retaining it. I'm going to have to consider trying to teach her note taking and study skills as well. I've watched how she does her work. Instead of writing each step out, she erases and crosses things out until it's impossible to see how she got the answer. I've been trying to get her to write the next step out, so she can see what's she's doing. It seems she can't understand what she did on her own homework.

Evelyn, on the otherhand, is starting to catch on. I have high hopes for her. She takes clear notes, she writes out her work in concise steps so she can see what she's done. She's a very meticulous student. It's important to have a clear notebook, something you can understand so you have a good study guide. I helped her with scientific notation today. She caught on really fast. Faster, I think, than even she expected. I also got another math student to tutor. There's a guy who's in both of my classes, and he asked me during CLCD class last night if I could tutor him for math. I said sure. I told him when I'm working with Kiesha and that he could come and we could do a joint tutoring session. Since it's before the CLCD class we have together, we can work right up until we have to go downstairs to the classroom. Kiesha usually leaves about half an hour before my class starts, but this guy is in the class, so I can work with him during that half hour as well.

winter wonderland
We've also had a few more dustings of snow over the past few days. Everything's all pretty and white again. At least all this bitter cold isn't just for cold's sake anymore. I was getting tired of having nothing to show for the icy temperatures.

dreaming insanity
Finished! It now exists. While it won't be updated quite as much as this one, I have my dream blog working and uploaded. Check it out at Dreaming Insanity.

Yes, Dan... I used the same template on my dream blog that you used for your regular blog. I felt the cycling colors would be appropriate for something about dreams. {{grin}}

hello? miss teacher?
Well, tutoring went well tonight. So did class. We did a lot of handouts and checklist type of stuff. I forgot to ask Brigid again about the Career Development tests and things I took for Right Management. I have to remember to do that on Monday. I had stopped by Student Services after class to drop off my paperwork, but the door was locked. I think they should put those mailboxes outside the door. -_-;;;

Saturday is my interview with Professor Spratt. He's a really cool guy. I'm going to stop by his office at South Street in the morning, and then type up the interview over the weekend to hand in on Monday.

beating myself over the head
And today! With that thing not working! I couldn't log into Blogger at all today until just before I left the house. It was making me crazy. Well, not really, but it was just really frustrating.

Which CowBoy BeBop Session Are You?

:: Wednesday, January 29, 2003 ::

and it's working
Wow... Blogger wasn't up all morning. Well, I was going to write something, but I need to eat something before I go tutor. If I have time between sessions again, I'll write something then.

dreaming insanity
New title. {{grin}} I was attempting to create a dream blog earlier. It didn't work because Blogger wasn't working. I'll try again tonight after class.

:: Tuesday, January 28, 2003 ::

state of the union. state of my opinions.
I think President Bush had some very good points in his speech tonight. He addressed homeland issues, such as security, environment, and economy. He talked about foreign issues, such as AIDS relief, helping our fellow man, and humanitarian aid. He also hit the big nail on the head, addressing foreign policy issues such Korea, Iran, and Iraq.

I think the most amusing part of the State of the Union Address is watching who stands up for what. This is the first time I've really sat down and paid attention to the speech. Politicians are a bunch of piddly babies that only applaud and stand when something suits their own agenda. I think that's rediculous! The heck with the rest of us, I think it's high time the politicians grew up!

what's with the titles?
Sorry, Laura. I wanted to try this little approach of yours to blogging. I've noticed that my ideas tend to run together a bit, especially with the majorly long posts I do at times (like the one at 1:30 this morning about yesterday's events). They can be a bit hard to read, even for me when I proofread them before publishing. Perhaps the titles will help them be a bit easier to understand and less strung out.

math 101... test on thu... are you ready?
We've got our first test coming up. I expect an influx of students at the tutoring office and an outflow of students from the class after this one. This judgement comes from the feeling I got in the room tonight when he told them what was on the test. Of course, he didn't explicitly go over some of the problems that were on the last homework. Because of that, no one had any idea on what to do. I've always found that trying to read a math book is difficult. I learn better in math by practice. I can't have someone just show me. I need to do it myself. Certain things, I learn very well by watching. Dance coreography, for example. Math, I need to do it. Computer programming, I need to do it.

One of my programming teachers complimented me over the summer. He said I speak in code. I can read a program (that I know the language for) or the HTML code for a website and know what it does. I can read it like a book. Programming is just another language, like spanish. You can't go to Spain and expect to get around speaking English. You can't tell a computer to do something in English and expect it to understand you. You need to speak the computer's language or teach it to speak English. But, to teach a computer, you need to program it... you need to give it a way to translate what it's 'hearing'.

random thoughts
I remembered what my thought from the other day was. I was making plans to hang out with one of my friends, in fact, one of the ones that I've been having certain things going on with. He made mention of something happening. Planning that kind of stuff bothers me a bit. I'm terribly afraid of rejection and being a disappointment to someone. The last thing I want to do is make plans for something like that, when the other person is seriously looking forward to it, and then something happens where the event never occurs. Now, usually, it ends up being that I'm not really into going through with it. This, of course, always either leads to the other person being disappointed, or me going along with something that I'm no longer in the mood to do. My big problem is, why am I losing interest? Is it because it's an expected occurance? Do I feel I *have* to and don't want to because of that? Is it because it's not spontaneous and exciting? This also brings me back to my thoughts about my lack of drive. Do I thrill in the chase and possibilities more than the catch and actual occurance? I don't know what to think anymore...

I just got home a little while ago. Dad called me earlier while I was tutoring Kiesha and I had to pick him up at the car place after class. We got home around midnight or so.

Kiesha's session went well. It went better than Evelyn's. I was more prepared because I know what's going on in the class (heck, I'm in the class with her). I think the other students feel better about asking me for help through the school than just in general. They don't have to pay for it because it's a service provided by the school, but I still get paid to be a tutor. Also, Kiesha gave me a possible job lead and someone to contact over at Stony Brook University about a position there doing HTML work. I'm definitely looking into that.

We were there for an hour and a half, though. I barely had time to eat the soup I had brought with me in my thermos and pop over to South Street to check on the tutoring paperwork and Professor Spratt. I had eaten the fruit cup in between sessions, just after I posted earlier, and I was able to finish eating the soup just before we started the first class project tonight. Plus, because I started it late, I ended up having my soda through most of the class, which actually helps me a bit.

Class was fun tonight. We did a couple of group activities, basically helping us to get to know one another a bit better and to get us to understand a bit about group dynamics. One was an exercise to illustrate how different people can think differently than one another and how they handle working in a group. We built contraptions to catch an egg and prevent it from breaking while only using the materials Brigid (our teacher) supplied. She had scissors, paperclips, rubberbands, construction and tissue paper, pipe cleaners, yarn, masking tape, and oaktag strips.

Mark and I built a trampoline type of thing. We made an inner cylinder of oaktag strips taped together and wove a web of yarn to catch the egg. Then, we made a taller, outer cylinder from construction paper to prevent the egg from falling out. Then we stuffed the cylinder under the net with tissue paper and lined the top of the net with tissue paper so it would be cushioned better and wouldn't fall through the net. Then, we placed a sheet of tissue paper across the top to slow the egg's fall. I packed the egg in tissue paper inside a construction paper tube and taped it together so it wouldn't fall out. It worked. Our egg didn't break.

The other activity was called "Human Bingo". I've done it a million times before. Basically, there's a grid of different situations that can apply to a person. You have to find people to fit those situations and fill in the names in an attempt to get five across, like Bingo. I got Bingo first, but only got it once. Corey got Bingo like four times on his grid.

We also discussed the interview project we have to do and came up with some questions to ask. Mark's already done with his, so I don't have to worry about bugging him to finish it. I spoke with Professor Spratt earlier, before class, and he said he'd do the interview for me. I'm happy! I also wrote up the questions I want to ask him and, since I need to stop by the South Street building to get the tutoring paperwork before math tomorrow, I'll poke my head in his office and see if he wants to get it over with after my math class tomorrow.

Yeah, that's right... I have to get the tutoring paperwork. I stopped by there earlier today when I went down to Financial Aid to find out why my loan wasn't approved. The paperwork for tonight wasn't there and neither was the guy I have to get it from. {{grumbles}} It was there after the sessions, but I didn't want to take it with me in case someone else needed to sign up during the day tomorrow. I'll grab it before class tomorrow so Kiesha can sign off on what we did tonight during class tomorrow, then drop it off after class before I speak with Professor Spratt. Then I have to make sure I grab it again Wednesday before Evelyn's next session so she can sign off on tonight's session and Wednesday's session.

I also have to call Sallie Mae tomorrow and find out what the heck is going on with my loan. Maybe if I complain enough, they'll change their minds and grant it to me. They said it was for lack of credit. I say bull to that. I have credit through my cell phone. I *know* I have a credit history. I'm also hoping that Dad's check goes through before my payment on the car does. If the opposite happens, I might end up bouncing another check. That *won't* be pretty.

I also managed to catch Brigid for a little while after class and talk to her about the ADD thing. She's really understanding about it. I didn't really have enough time to talk to her about the journal and also the career development stuff that I had done at Right Management. I'll see if I can catch her before class on Wednesday, since I'll be there early anyway after Evelyn's tutoring session.

I got a couple of good job leads today. I poked my head in the Career Services office to let them know I had lost the job at Arrow. She understood and had been looking through some classified ads before I walked in. So we went over them together. I also grabbed a few of those free papers that are laying around the school (Computer User, Job Finder, Long Island Press, Good Times, and The New Island Ear). I'm going to grab my highlighter and go digging through those, along with the Sunday Newsday Classifieds and my Networking paper that I get (somehow I ended up on their free subscription list, but I'm not complaining), and see if I can find more job leads. I have several e-mails to send out tomorrow, as well as calls to make. Plus, Nature's Bounty in Bohemia is having walk-in interview sessions twice a day on Mondays through Thursdays, so I'll stop by down there with my resume and see if I can get an interview.

:: Monday, January 27, 2003 ::

I'm in the library... I just finished my first tutoring session. Boy, I get nervous when I teach. LOL... I'm going to have to settle down a bit. Also, because they didn't have the textbook here, I felt woefully unprepared. It's been so long since I've done anything with Physics, too. O.O;;; Anyway, it didn't go all that bad. I remembered a good amount and was able to help her out a bit with some stuff. I told her to come with a specific set of questions on Wed. We're making a regular thing out of this.

Now... to wait for the next girl. Apparently, she was supposed to get in touch with the other math tutor about this past weekend, as well as someone else. I saw Tina today and she asked me if Kiesha had called me. I told her that Bob had told me to call Kiesha. Tina sounded a bit upset about last minute scheduling. She said she didn't want people to fail because of her lack of time to tutor. I totally understand that. We're going to refer the students to each other, and have Bob do the same, if there's any scheduling issues. We need to work together on this to make the tutoring available to as many people as possible.

Well, it's time to go tutoring. I stopped by the school earlier and couldn't find my paperwork *or* the book I need. Go figure. I need to stop by Bob's office before I go to the library and get the paperwork for the two sessions I have today. Then, I have class... I need to work on what questions to ask for the interview project. I'll stop by Professor Spratt's office before class and see if I can set up a quick appointment with him to interview him.

And the internet is *really* slow today. Wonder if it's residual from that worm virus that hit the other day...

SNOW!!!! And we're supposed to hit a high temp of about 14 degrees... brrrr...

And the Bucs won the Super Bowl. I'm happy 'cuz it's their first and they beat the Raiders and they were the underdogs going in. I'm not happy because they're NFC and that means the AFC lost. Oh well. {{shrugs}} Can't win 'em all.

I'm just ticked the Broncos lost out on the playoffs because of the Browns. Grrr...

:: Sunday, January 26, 2003 ::

Super Bowl Sunday. {{sigh}} No Broncos. Stupid Browns had to win their game, now, didn't they? At least the Jets aren't in it. I don't know who to route for. I feel I have to stick with AFC, but the Raiders are the arch rivals for the Broncos. And of course, it's the Bucs' first time in the Super Bowl, so it would be cool to see them win. But, they're NFC, so they suck. ;-) Just kidding. Ah well. I think I'm gonna skip it this year and just hang out on the computer. Though I did see a few cool commercials already.

Anyway, I called the other girl (Kiesha). I'll be meeting with her after Evelyn tomorrow. I have to remember to stop by Student Services on South Street before I head up to the library on Lake Street. The two buildings are like a 5 minute drive apart from each other in the same town. O.O;;; Go figure, right?

Either way, they're looking for a new place that'll be bigger and have a real cafeteria instead of the 'canteens' the two buildings have (vending machines and tables with chairs and a water fountain, Lake Street has a microwave). I hope they get that building soon. And I hope it has better parking. For Lake Street, people end up taking up the entire public parking lot next to the building (not that it's that large) and the small lot across the street that half is reserved for the Fire Department volunteers. The other building has a tiny lot and there's a sign on the building that says parking is available at the courthouse. That's nice, if the courthouse wasn't across a large busy street and the school wasn't at the end of the opposite block. There's no way I'm walking that at night in Patchogue. It's not the friendliest of places for girls to walk by themselves after an 11 pm class. I'd rather get a parking ticket first.

I watched part of Spy Game earlier. It wasn't bad. I think I'll have to sit down and watch the whole thing soon. Dad rents them from NetFlix. You get as many as movies as you can watch (3 at a time) for $20/mo. It's a good deal. We also watched Highlander: Endgame last night. It was good. We watched an alternate version of the movie. It was a bit off, visual effects weren't finished, and sounds were off. You could see crew and boom mics in some shots. It was basically the storyboard they originally wanted to use for the movie, but had to change/edit/cut to make it 'releasable'. It was pretty neat. It was also a fairly good movie, especially if you're a fan of the Highlander movies or TV show.

Super Bowl update: 24 -31 TB, 2-3 min left. I think the Bucs are gonna win it...

And Darren (another blogger without comments), try the HTML 4.0 Bible. It's a good reference/teaching book if you want to learn HTML for yourself. I have a bunch of books and stuff that I use, and I've been coding since 1996, so I can help you, too, if you want.

{{grumbles and jumps up and down in frustration}} And Enetation's down again!