:: Venting Insanity ::

:: Saturday, January 25, 2003 ::

I got another call for tutoring today. This time for math. This is good. Tom didn't call, though. He said on Thursday he was going to call this weekend to get together and work on the homework. {{shrugs}} Maybe he'll call tomorrow. On Monday, I'm due down at the school library at 5 pm to work with Evelyn on Physics. I'm going to go down there early so I can look through the book and be prepared ahead of time. It's early in the semester and it sounds like she's doing Physics I, so it shouldn't be too hard to remember stuff.

I had a really great thought earlier today before I got out of bed, but I can't remember what it was. But, I did have an awfully weird waking dream last night. I was partially awake, I know because I had some control over the dream (think like I was watching it as a video tape and I can rewind, pause, replay, all that stuff). I've also been aware of dreaming, though I haven't been remembering them for more than a few moments after waking. This one I had the other night was odd and is probably a reflection on a few things going on in my life. I've been involved in some interesting activities with a couple friends lately and the dream reflected some things that have been going on between me and the other girl. Let's just say it involved a dark place with weird, colored lighting and chainlink dog kennels... I know... really weird. Anyway, half way through, we hit a point in the dream, and it changed to where I was watching it on the computer and received an odd e-mail from the owner of the place saying how I've become a woman (she said, "Congratulations" in the e-mail).

{{shakes head and sighs}}

I have no clue what that means, but I should look through that dream book I got and see if I can find any symbols in there about it.

{{looks through friends' blogs... wonders if Trevor's going to only post lyrics to dc Talk songs from now on...}}

Wow, it's cold. And, is it me? or does Weather Pixie seem to go down for maintenance a lot?

:: Friday, January 24, 2003 ::

{{ponders confusing everyone and changing the names to all the linked blogs again...}}

And the meeting was a bust. The poor Donahues came all the way down from Pearl River, too. It's a two and half hour trip, if there's no traffic. I feel bad, though. Ally got sick today and couldn't come. The bigger problem was the part of the Advisory Board. It was specifically stated at the last meeting we were going to be Installing tonight. Yet, half of them suddenly couldn't remember that being said. My mother feels like she's beating her head against a brick wall with these people. No wonder she stepped down from Mother Advisor. When they looked around for volunteers at the last meeting, I made sure to sit on my hands. I love the girls, but half the Advisory Board doesn't want to work with anyone, and they're stubborn as all hell. {{grumbles}}

I got most of my chores done today, too. I have some more to do tomorrow (if Mom doesn't grab the washing machine first). And then I start tutoring on Monday. YAY! Money! It's only $5/hr for a one-on-one, but maybe I can get the ones from my math class to come together for a group session. That's $6/hr. I have about three or four people who want tutoring in that class. I was kind of hoping the cute guy that sits at the front table would want tutoring, but he wasn't in class the other night. I've had him in one of my other classes. Despite my lack of 'drive', that doesn't mean I should cut myself off from the dating world. He is cute, and he seems real nice. Maybe we'll hit it off, and my 'drive' will come back. {{shrugs}} We'll see.

What's your Inner European?
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Well, surprise, surprise. I got a call for tutoring. Of course, it was for Physics and not one of the million other subjects that I've had on the list for the last two semesters. But, at least I got something. I also told people in my two classes that I'm a tutor and that they could probably request me from Bob and Barbara (the Student Services people).

We got our first graded assignment back from our math teacher today. I got an 'A'. {{dances}} It's kind of exciting to get good grades as much as I've been getting. I never got grades like this in high school or when I first started college.

I went over to Johnny's house after class, too. We had dinner and watched The Princess Bride. I love that movie. It's so funny. And I ended up staying just late enough to see Estelle after she got home from work. It was a pretty nice evening. Plus, we have flurries! Tiny little snowflakes were dusting the roads and grass, making cool white swirls on the road. I love that... {{grin}}

I've been doing some thinking about my current love life (or lack thereof) lately. I've noticed that I just don't have any drive. I mean, it's not that I don't enjoy doing 'things' with people and all that. It's just I don't understand how some people can want to do that all the time. Plus, it's been a long time since I've felt attracted enough to someone to really lose myself in the moment. It makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me. Do I have my standards set too high? Do I expect too much? Am I too idealistic? My grandmother once told me that I should never put how I feel second to actually having someone, that I shouldn't lower my standards. Yet, sometimes I wonder if I should just go along with it and settle so I don't end up totally alone for the rest of my life.

:: Thursday, January 23, 2003 ::

We watched another video in class tonight. It was about time management and how you mentally talk to yourself. The guy in the video had big teeth. But, he also had a point. When you think, you're actually having a conversation with yourself, asking yourself questions and answering them mentally in such a rapid sequence that you don't even realize that's what you're doing. I also told the teacher how I felt about the self-assessment tests in the book. She said she understood my feelings on it and that I should try concentrating on the long answer style worksheets in the book instead of the multiple choice and true/false ones. We don't have to do all of them, apparently, which will make my homework sessions a heck of a lot easier than they have been this past week. She also suggested doing a self-assessment essay in my career portfolio instead of using the tests. I think I might put in both, depending on how much time I have to spend on this. I want to do more than the bare minimum, but, if I get a job before the end of this session, I might not have the time to do everything. I might also include some of the self-assessment stuff I had to do with Right Management just after Nortel laid me off. They gave us some stuff to create something similar and I want to see what she thinks of that. I'll ask her about it on Monday.

I also have to come up with a series of questions for an interview, *and* find someone to interview. And it's due in about a week or so. I was thinking of trying to contact the guy I spoke with about the web position and see if he would be open to doing it, but I don't think I have the time to really feel comfortable enough asking him. Perhaps I'll catch a professor. I really would have wanted to interview my VB/HTML professor, but he's out in California or something right now, so that's a bit difficult to do. So, I thought maybe to get down to Professor Spratt's office and ask him or see if he knew anyone I could get in touch with in time to hand it in. It's really not going to be that difficult to type up. She just wants a bare bones interview, not a report on the person.

She also suggested for us to keep a journal. She's not requiring it because this is only a half-semester course, but she thinks it's a good way to help assess things about yourself. I should ask her if this counts. I've kept a few journals in the past, mainly for classes in high school. I have two in my room, one that I used for my Peers Reaching Out class and one that I used for my Creative Writing class. Then, I've got this one. I'll see what she thinks about this on Monday, too. I want to try and catch her alone, but that's almost impossible, it seems. I have a few other things I want to discuss with her that I don't want to discuss in front of the entire class. But, I feel I need to talk to her about them soon. I shouldn't wait.

My main concern is that I recently found out that I had been diagnosed with ADD when I was little. Frankly, I think that explains a lot about myself and how I react to be being bored with an activity. While I had suspected after I learned about it, and I vaguely remember someone mentioning it around me when I going to therapy, my mother never outright told me. I don't know if this was to make me feel normal or what, but, in a way, I feel like I should have been told. Perhaps when I was a bit older to really understand it, but I should have been told earlier on, rather than waiting until after I had dropped out of college the first time and didn't do well in certain types of jobs. Now, I know I have to approach things differently than I used to. And it's more important than ever to find something that really interests me and isn't too easy. Then, I won't slack off and daydream as much.

I also want to ask her about these periods of depression and anxiety. I find that I get extremely irritable during these times. And it's not just PMS, people. Believe me, I kept track of my cycle to see if that's what it was. But, when I was severely depressed and could barely drag myself out of bed on my days off for more than four months, I knew something was up that didn't have to do with that monthly female issue. While I've never been medicated for any kind of mental issues (my therapist when I was younger didn't believe Ritalin was the be all and end all to ADD and I wasn't exhibiting signs of depression at the time), my mother has and still is. They say that certain mental conditions, like physical conditions (diabetes and cancer, for example) run in the family. So, it's completely plausible that I could have clinical depression. Unfortunately, without health insurance, I don't have the money to go to someone and find out for sure.

However, I've managed to pull myself out of depression on my own once before through sheer willpower of forcing myself to get up and go do things. I can probably do it again. Plus, they say it helps to keep a journal when your depressed or going through anxiety issues, so maybe starting this blog thing was actually a good idea for me in more ways than one.

I also finally caught the guy in Student Services in order to update my schedule. He said I might actually get a call this week to help people out, but I'll believe that when I hear the phone ring.

I have to find out from Mom if she made the calls for Friday night while I was in class. If not, that's something I'm going to have to do tomorrow. Plus, I need to send out a few e-mails about it. We'll see how it goes. I'm hoping we get enough of a draw that people will actually realize the dire straights that Long Island Rainbow is in and try to help us do something, because most of us are at our wit's end with this. I have no idea where to look. I'm stuck in the middle. None of my friends are young enough, and we're all too young to have children old enough to join. Besides, my only friends that have a kid have a 1 1/2 year old son. He's a sweetheart though, that little boy. I just love him like crazy. They're the closest I have to siblings, so I look at him like he's my little nephew.

My aunt got me thinking this past Christmas. She gave me a dream book to help analyze certain symbols in dreams. While I don't normally remember my dreams unless I'm half awake (and those are usually potential storylines for a fanfic or whatnot), they give you tips on how you can get yourself to actually remember your dreams if you don't. I was thinking of possibly trying that route. I know it sounds a bit crazy, but, I seem to be doing crazy things lately (going back to school, trying that web design position with the new company). I figured why not. They suggest also keeping a dream diary of what you dreamt. The book was part of a set, it came with dream diary. But I thought of possibly creating a new blog for it. The only problem is, if I wake up in the middle of the night, I won't be able to type up my dreams right away since my computer is two floors below my bed. Then I thought, I could write in the diary and transfer them to the computer. But that seems like an awful lot of trouble. So, it's still an idea in the works, but definitely something that's caught my attention with all this journal stuff I'm into lately. The journal/diary thing really does seem to help out with some issues.

Also... new blogness. YAY, Darren!!! And I think I fixed the new sprites... somehow, they got deleted off my webserver. On top of that, another response to another commentless blog... Steph! Love the kitties! {{huggles Duo-kitty}} He's so cute asleep!

:: Wednesday, January 22, 2003 ::

Woohoo! New Sprites!

:: Tuesday, January 21, 2003 ::

Math is so not a problem. I can zip through the homework in a nano... This College Learning/Cognitive Development class is another thing entirely. I can just feel that I'm going to fall behind. I hate self-assessment quizzes. These little dinky fun quizzes online are one thing, but these down-to-earth things in my book feel like they're all trying to group us into predefined categories. I hate being grouped. I feel I'm much more complex a person than any of these simple little assessment things can ever truly show. And I like me that way. I like when people are surprised by an action of mine. I like to be spontaneous and unpredictable on occasion. I really hate when people try to figure out what I'm going to do before I do it. I don't want to be a 'type'. I'm me, and that's that.

Stupid self-assessment tests... I'm *not* going to like this class...

And my friend Trevor still needs to get comments on his blog.

Trevor, dear, the music you claim to have on your blog is not playing...

ARGH! Is it me, or do some people just not notice the hard work you do? It's almost like they reach a point where things are just expected, and there's nothing more a person can do to get any kind of appreciation for that. I've bent over backwards for people and no one seems to really care. I tell you, that hurts big time. I'm not asking for some big public ceremony in appreciation for things I've done, but just a nice little 'great job' or 'thanks a lot' every once in a while. I'm so put out right now... I'm >thisclose< to quitting. I really am.

Rainbow has practically been my heart and soul for the last 10 1/2 years. I've put so much into that organization. Now, I'm over the age of 21 and considered "Majority". But, it seems like they just don't give a hoot about Majority girls. No one asks me for help anymore. I offer and get told I'm not needed. Is it me? Do they just not like me? Are they trying to give me a hint?

I have the same problem with one of my RPGs. I've been in the RPG since "Day One". My character has *never* been promoted. The only thing I got was asked to step down as Department CO when I had a period of time where I wasn't posting. You know what I did? I stepped down *and* recommended a replacement. Now, everyone sees my replacement as this wonderful person and all the posting I've done recently goes unnoticed. They're even promoting people that joined way *after* me. It's not like I still don't post. That was a couple years ago. I've posted consistently since then, when I've had something to post. I worked hard, even promoted the sim on some of the recruitment sites. Nothing... Now, I find out the head Mod suddenly thinks I'm this horrible person that only exists to play Devil's Advocate with him. And I find this out after I had been told he respected me? What the hell is that? And people in the RPG wonder why I've considered leaving several times.

Why do I bother sometimes? I just don't get it.

Updated some blog links and stuff... {{grumbles at Laura for changing the address}} Also added that last group of quizzes to the result section.

:: Monday, January 20, 2003 ::

Well, studying was a bust. Tom never called. Oh well. Now I have to do my math homework tomorrow before class.

Mom and I watched the Cirque Du Soleil again tonight. They were negotiating contracts and practicing routines. Some of the stuff these people can do is amazing. I want to go back to dance class!!! {{sobs}}

I am Nothing!



Which Enemy of the Christian Church Are You?

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A GREEN Dragon Lies Beneath!

I took the Inner Dragon online quiz and found out I am a Green Dragon on the inside. My Inner Dragon is the embodiment of Nature and the Earth. Greens spend almost all of their time below the canopy or just above the treetops in tropical rain forests. Not a bad life considering every other creature in the forest looks up to me, figuratively and literally. I speak the language of every animal and plant in my domain and know most of them by first name. If people mess with my forests, I'm more than happy to wail on their puny butts. Because of my protector/caretaker role, I am the Earth Elemental dragon.

Naturally my whole life pretty much revolves around the other couple million species I keep an eye on, but that's not my whole dragon. I also like to like to impose my steadfast will on others, commune with Nature, and lobby governments for alternative fuels and conservation. My favorable attributes are gemstones, mountains, caves, soil, respect, endurance, responsibility, prosperity, and purpose in life. Folks shouldn't get the idea I'm a hippy pushover though, because my breath weapon is a nasty Fire/Acid combination. Maybe I should invest in a hemp shirt reading "Don't knock my smock, or I'll clean your clock." *wink*

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This was just for kicks...


Which Death Eater Are YOU?
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We didn't go the Installation. Mom and I were too tired to go. But I got a call from the Youth Committee Chairman for the NY Masons. That was good news. I'm hoping to pull in some serious sponsership stuff from the Masons this year. They've got a huge publicity thing coming up and it can only mean good things for all Masonic organizations. I want to get Rainbow on the bandwagon, too. We're in need of membership here in NY big time.

Tomorrow, Tom from my class and I are going to try doing that study thing. He's going to call me around noon. I think that's all I'm doing tomorrow. {{blush}} School's out because of the holiday. I feel like I'm forgetting something, though.

Also did some quick basic updates on the nav column there. New links and stuff, nothing huge.