:: Venting Insanity ::

:: Tuesday, December 16, 2003 ::

why are things unfair?
Be warned... no flowery language... just my raw anger...

I just don't get it. They say life is short... but why make it shorter than it should be? It's just so damn unfair. He was younger than me... and that not only angers me, but it frightens me. Sure, I know Death is no respector of persons... regarding not youth nor youth's ambitions... One of the lessons of Rainbow teaches us that.

"We would teach the lesson that Death is no respector of persons. It takes the babe and the mother. It lays its hand upon the flower and tree. It regards not youth nor youth's ambitions. Death, my young woman, in all its solemnity, may come to you, but your soul is immortal. Even though your body may die, you will live forever."

However, I still don't see how taking someone who was barely legal is fair. I know life isn't fair... which means death isn't fair either. It doesn't make it any easier. It just sucks the big one even more.

And sure, I've experienced death among my peers. It's nothing new to me. I've seen friends die... but never one who was five years younger than me. Five years! How is that right? And no... not a "typical" teenager/twenty-something death in a car accident... but horrifying and debilitating disease, that again, I've seen the ravages of too often.

Just too often.

I can't do it. I'm just so angry at Fate right now.

No... I haven't let myself cry, yet. I've been close... but not quite. I'm not sure if I should. It's a strange confusion I feel. I mean, how well did I truly know him? We talked over YIM... never even activated voice... yet what's happened has stirred something inside. It's terribly tragic, and I want to cry. I want to be with all those who knew him and just hug... just hold each other in support... but we're so far away.

And I think that's the worst part. I can't fulfill what I feel I need to do. Distance, lack of money and traveling time, and just sheer inability to be there get in the way of what I need to close this. I feel I need to call everyone. I suddenly want to make more personal contact with these people... that I missed out on something that could have been deeper friendship than what it was... an online friend and roleplaying companion. Yet... could it have been more?

Now I'll never know... and that hurts. In a weird way, it hurts.

Damn.

We rarely interacted outside of the RPGs... yet I miss the guy... and it's only been two days...

Maybe I should try to cry... maybe I'll feel better to let it out... Yet, I haven't even told my parents. Part of me worries they might see me being upset as silly. But, I basically knew AJ for... two years? I don't even know. It's hard thinking back to a time before I met him. It's hard thinking back to a time before I met any of the people I know online.

And I'd miss them, too...

God... I just don't know how I feel...