:: Venting Insanity ::

:: Saturday, November 29, 2003 ::

happy turkey day
Yesterday was rather uneventful, if a bit frustrating. I wish I could spend at least an hour with my grandmother without finding myself either horribly bored or completely annoyed by something she says.

I love my grandmother, which is why I'd like to spend time with her, but it inevitably gets me annoyed or bored in some way or another. I try, I really do. I'm just tired of being asked almost every time if I remember being five years old and throwing "wocks in the water" (which I never said it that way) in the driveway.

Yes... Okay? I remember. And, if I didn't, I sincerely doubt you'd let me forget. Because, anything that I say I don't remember, she proceeds to describe in full detail. I don't want to hear about my childhood. I was there. I remember most of it. That's it, thanks, goodbye!

Sometimes, I wish Auntie Lyn had been able to have kids. Or at least that Nana had more kids so I'd have cousins for her to pick on, too. I hate being the only one. I really do.

speculations
I guess it stems from being a loner. I prefer to be on my own most of the time. When I have a choice, I usually pick to stay home. I enjoy spending time by myself on the computer, or drawing, or reading, or just watching TV. I don't mind it.

So, when it comes to a situation where I suddenly become the center of unwanted attention and over-affection, I feel extremely uncomfortable. In a lot of ways, I'm like a cat. I like to spend time on my own, and I will seek out attention and companionship when there's a need. I don't like having it pushed upon me when I want to be alone.

My parents figured this out long before I did. They let me do my own thing more and more, watching when I was younger to make sure I didn't get hurt and whatnot... but they realize that I will come to them when I need to. I don't like to burden others with my problems, so I don't talk about a lot of stuff. They used to get upset that I wouldn't talk to them, but they know it's not in my personality to do that. I prefer to figure things out on my own than dump all my troubles on another person.

Mainly, I hate sounding like a whiner, or being the person in the group that's always complaining.

terms of affection
And it's sort of funny how I can't tolerate the level of affection I get from being the only grandchild on my mother's side, but the lack of affection on my dad's side thanks to being the oldest of ten grandchildren (and the only non-Catholic grandchild, which seems to irk my Catholic grandmother to no end) grates on my nerves... probably because I see the other kids getting attention when I never really got any at their age.

I went over to my dad's parents' house to play with the other kids in their neighborhood more than I went to visit them. And they seemed perfectly happy to let me go and play with the other kids than have to worry about entertaining a young child. I never had toys or games to play with when I was there... now there's toys and games everywhere for the kids. I was always left to my own devices, while my cousins were taken to the park downtown or out to the store or to a movie.

Maybe it's because my grandmother was still too busy trying to be a mother to my dad's youngest two siblings and wasn't ready to be considered a grandmother. Who knows? Either way, I never really felt like I was part of my own family.

Well, enough about my wandering feelings of insecurity and unsurity...

back to the turkey!
Well, not much to say about it anyway. It was filling. We didn't have any baked potatoes this year. We mashed them. That was the main difference. I made a huge salad, and we had three kinds of cider to drink. Then, we had stuffing and this weird concoction my aunt makes every year that I don't like... ^^;; It's a cream sauce over boiled onions. My mom likes it. And, of course, the cranberry sauce.

Afterwards, we watched The Two Towers with all the added footage. It was like an extra 48 minutes or something like that. It didn't change my general feelings on the movie, anyway. I still liked it.

delayed vacation
This year, my parents aren't leaving until Sunday. They usually leave Friday and come back Monday, but it's cheaper to go during the week. They're coming back on Wednesday. Nana actually asked Mom if she and Auntie Lyn should spend the week out here with me.

I was like, 'I'm how old again? I've been on my own for Mom and Dad's Thanksgiving trip for how long now?'

Yeah... Anyway, Mom said I'd be fine... which I will be. I've been fine every year since I started staying home on my own, and there's no reason I shouldn't be this year. Besides, I have classes and homework and stuff to take up my time. The last thing I want to worry about is basically playing hostess to Nana to Auntie Lyn. They'd want me to spend time with them when this is parentless time I could be using to do other things...

Like laundry without fighting with Mom on who gets to use the machines first.

There will be plenty of things to keep me busy without having to worry about taking Nana and Auntie Lyn somewhere or staying home because they're over the house. I don't need to play hostess. And I'm old enough where I would feel obligated to do so instead of letting them play babysitter... which I don't need at my age, thank you very much. It's bad enough I'm still the only one to get carded when I go out with a group of friends.

snapple "real fact" #171
The most sensitive parts of the body are the mouth and fingertips.

That explains why I've hated needles since the day my pediatric nurse pricked the tip of my finger to take blood for a test instead of the side or my arm.