:: Venting Insanity ::

:: Sunday, April 13, 2003 ::

sinusitis
I hate sinusitis. I spent all day yesterday in bed with a nasty sinus headache. My sinuses are better today, but my back is achy from spending all day in bed. ^^;;;

tax season
I also finished up my Federal and State taxes today. I'm getting mega-refunds! Well, as mega as I can get considering I didn't work all that much. It helps that I was independant and was able to claim education credit, which I did on both returns. I've got money coming to me!!! YAY! {{does the happy $$$ dance}}

maybe next time
Dad didn't pick up the truck today. He's going next Saturday. He had to work sporting clays out at the club again today, and it would have just been too hectic to work out car issues. This way, he'll have the proper registration and everything to put on the truck when he brings it home. He's already started pulling stuff he wants to keep off the other one.

special delivery
Mom went catalog/online shopping nuts again. ^^;; She pre-ordered HP: CoS from Amazon, and we just got it in the mail yesterday. She also hit the Pyramid Collection catalog, but combined orders with a bunch of people from work to save on shipping. She got herself the chakra candle holder, which is an arched wireframe with seven cups (each color of the rainbow) that hold candles. It's really pretty all lit up. We had it going Friday when the Notary came over to finish up on the loan.

Mom also got me a really cool dragon t-shirt ( *_* ) and two cute anklets. Now, if I can get up the nerve to wear shorts again this summer... x.x;; Maybe I should renew my pool pass this year and get some exercising in.

speaking of shopping...
Mom finally went out and got some clothes for herself today. Like me, she doesn't think very highly of herself, so it's hard to get her to go shopping. She loves buying things for everyone else, but it's like pulling teeth to get her to buy clothes for herself. She's very picky about what she wears, and it's hard to get her to wear something that's outside her normal 'style'. She has quite a few shirts and things that I think look very nice on her, but she always gets extremely self-conscious about wearing them. Either way, I'm glad she went out and got stuff for herself.

then again...
She got rear-ended. No damage to the truck (thank goodness, it's a lease!), but Auntie Lyn's neck went out of whack again. Mom called an ambulance since Auntie Lyn started to freak out. She's been rear-ended twice, both resulting in a neck injury. Now, with the arthritis, it's only going to make things ten times worse. The guy that hit Mom got out of his car right away, was all "Nobody hurt? No damage? Okay!" and almost drove off. Mom insisted on a police report and an ambulance because of how freaked out Auntie Lyn was.

spring break!
That's right! I'm off from school this entire week! YAY!!! I'm hanging out with Estelle and Johnny on Wednesday, and with John S tomorrow night. He called like two minutes before I posted this and we made plans. We haven't seen each other since before Grand Assembly. He didn't make it to I-CON either. Actually, I haven't seen a lot of people since before Grand Assembly. ^^;;;

feelin' the luv... or not
I got an e-mail from Scott. He said he was really busy and couldn't talk that night, and he was wondering how Dad and I did on our first trip to I-CON. It seems I've overreacted again.

Of course, I once again felt left out of everything during the meeting last Friday. I really hate feeling like a spare tire (only included when I'm needed). If it wasn't for wanting to be there for Aly, I probably would have given up long ago. Sometimes, I wonder why I bother. I sat there, in the middle of the group, of all places, and still felt left out of the conversation. It's one thing if you're sitting on the end, but I was in the middle, for crying out loud! Is that even possible? I mean, I would go to say something and everyone jumped on my words like I hadn't even opened my mouth. Sometimes I feel like the only reason I go is to just serve as acting Worthy Advisor for the nights we can actually have a ritual meeting simply because no one else wants to. Otherwise, I'm not asked about anything. It's sad when you feel more welcome in other Districts than you do in your own. Sometimes, I'm tempted to move into Nassau or the city since those Districts actually want me around.

Except Patty, Deidre, Mom, and Aly. I give them hugs galore. It seems they're the only members in Suffolk that truly see just how much Rainbow means to me, and they appreciate all the work I've done and all the help I've offered them. To them, I'm not the spare tire, the chaffeur, the sideliner that's just always there to sit and watch. They know I want to be involved and want to continue supporting the organization. Thanks, guys!

what's wrong with me?
Anne wrote on her blog about how the depression can get to her sometimes. Where she likens hers to a heavy wet cloak, I liken mine to a deep hole in soft ground. That ugly paranoia monster is the main thing chasing me over the edge lately. And no matter how hard I try to keep myself from falling or how hard I cling to the side of that hole, the ground crumbles away beneath my hands and drops me in like a bag of rotten fruit. And I sit at the bottom, staring upwards at the tiny circle of light that just seems so far away, and I wonder if I'll ever get out. Sometimes I do, and, as silly as it sounds sometimes, this journal is helping.

Lately, I feel like I'm on a bungee cord, falling into that hole and bouncing back out again. It makes me sick, all these ups and downs. It's been really stressful, to the point where my body's reacting again. I haven't been sleeping normal, my appetite is all screwy, everything I eat irritates my digestive system in some strange manner or another, my skin's a mess with acne and eczema, I've got a major dandruff issue going on... I just haven't been at my peak. I'm hoping I can take this week off of school, hang out with my friends, and relax some of these issues away.