:: Venting Insanity ::

:: Tuesday, March 04, 2003 ::

optimistically challenged
Is it so wrong to have high standards? Maybe I'm snobbish. Who knows? I've never been told that before. I don't know what to think anymore.

I haven't decided what I want to do about Friday. I told Cathy I would go because I didn't want to turn her down when she called. I hate saying no. I turned her down once before and felt like crap for doing it. I feel like crap about everything. Sometimes, I just feel like crap because I feel like crap.

Sometimes I want to just curl up in my room and wish the world away. Then I wouldn't have to worry about my sick grandparents and aunts, my lack of education, my lack of job, my lack of self-respect... Honestly, I do hate myself. People don't understand why, and I don't know how to tell them why. I wouldn't go out for months at a time because I felt like no one wanted me around, or, if they did, I couldn't get myself to believe it.

I don't know how to take a complement. Someone said I was pretty and intelligent. I immediately began to tell them all the things wrong with me... how I was bad in history classes, how I had a tendancy to break out with acne when I got stressed, how my hair is oily and high maintenance... I used to walk around and think that everytime I made eye contact with someone in a group and they went back to talking with their friends that they were discussing me in some negative way.

EVERY time.

Yes, I'm paranoid. I know it. Doesn't anyone realize how truly difficult that is to break? It's easy to make someone feel like crap. It's harder to get that person to honestly feel good about themselves.

And I think I just lost another friend to something where it comes down to me thinking they knew me better than they apparently do. I managed to save one friendship, but... I don't know if I should even try to save the other. It's hard to argue with someone who can be very stubborn when they think they're right. I've seen what happens when someone gets on this person's bad side. I don't know what to do.

Maybe I really am a horrible person. I don't even know why I do what I do sometimes. Some people say you unconsciously sabotage relationships when you don't think anyone truly likes you. Could that be it? Did I screw up on purpose because I was in one of my pity modes? Did I mess up because I was too busy sulking around and feeling sorry for myself?

Probably. There's always a way to make something my fault. My parents always managed to find a way to turn every conversation into something bad about me. So I didn't feel like going out... and we all know I can't say no to people... I don't make the call because I don't want to go out, but someone calls me and says, "Hey, come hang out." What do I do? I go hang out because I can't turn people down. Other people find out that I hung out but didn't call anyone else or finally had the guts to tell them no, and they get upset.

Yeah, really weak, huh? I'm just some petty little bitch that no one likes and takes advantage of people, right? You know, I hate myself enough already. Maybe I really will just lock myself up in my room and never come out. Maybe I'll just fall off the face of the earth and see who really cares this time. Hell, I've considered it before. I just never had the guts to go through with it. Maybe I should this time.

It would sure end all this misery...

At least I saved one friendship... I guess I can count that among my small blessings.